Being happy takes a little practice, says one professor

Although I consider myself a generally optimistic and happy type of personality, life at the moment, with a frail and failing husband, is more difficult than it has been for many years. Thus, the chance to hear a talk entitled “Finding Happiness is Easier than You Think” by Jack Gesino propelled me into New Haven to the Graduate Club, despite the problem of finding a parking place near its busy location on Elm Street.

Prepared to park several blocks away, I drove up Elm when out of the corner of one astonished eye, I spied an ample space directly in front of the club. Plunking the requisite quarters into the meter, I already was radiating happiness as I went to the meeting, hosted by the Interagency Council on Aging.

Gesino, professor of social work at Southern Connecticut State University and coordinator of mental health services for Masonicare (weighty titles for his short, energetic frame), claims that despite being under stress, we can be happy, and if we practice being happy, stress will not be as overwhelming nor will it last as long.

One of the key ingredients is the psychology of possibility.

Patients who are told their cancer is “cured” live longer than those told their cancer is in “remission,” because one statement closes off the possibility of hope.

Other research has shown that for the same reason, 40 percent of the time, placebos work as well as some medications. While labels like Alzheimer’s, cancer and old age are necessary to organize our thoughts, trouble begins when they determine how we think.

We often pay more attention to negative feelings than to positive ones and forget to look for the small good, each and every day. Learning to choose to be happy requires as much intention and effort as losing weight, according to Gesino. Some of the work required:

-Practice gratitude and optimism every day. Make a daily list of things to be grateful for and try to look on the bright side of every situation.

-Avoid social comparisons. There will always be those who “seem” better off.

-Practice acts of kindness and be involved in social relationships. Studies show that volunteering is associated with diminished depression and increased self-worth.

-Develop coping strategies. An important one is “mindfulness” or living in the moment. Gratitude is not taking things for granted.

-Savoring, which is the deliberate attention to the experience of pleasure. Savor has a past, present and future because we can derive pleasure from past experiences and use them as reserves for a later resource.

-Find the humor in situations and laugh often. Laughter is contagious and signals understanding and shared pleasure. It is an instant vacation.

-Know what makes you happy. Be excited about what you do. Smile.

Gesino recommends the book “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman. I also found “How We Choose to be Happy” by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks to have many good ideas.

On the way home that day, I had two interesting experiences. At Stop & Shop, on a long line, I offered to allow the lady in back of me who had only a few groceries, to go ahead of me. She thanked me profusely, which did indeed make me feel good.

As I was loading my heavy grocery bags and even heavier cat litter into the trunk of the car, a gentleman returning his shopping cart stopped and, unrequested, gave me a hand. Thanking him, I explained I had just done a favor for a woman in line and this must be my “repayment” and now something good would come to him in turn.

He smiled and said, “Well, it never hurts to have some good karma out there working for you.” I couldn’t think of a better phrase to sum up my thoughts about a key ingredient to being happy. Like the song says, “Make someone happy ... make just one person happy ... and you will be happy, too.”

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Remembering the guys who gave us so much

We remember our mothers several times each year: Mother’s Day, of course, Easter, Valentine’s Day and on her birthday. Somehow, Dad is either forgotten or perhaps, just taken for granted. Then, suddenly it’s Father’s Day and what to buy for good old Dad to show that although most of the year he’s definitely in the background in the family order of things, you really do think he’s pretty terrific.

Would a new tie send the right message? While many men depend on the fair sex to select their ties, in many companies nowadays, open-necked shirts or even sports shirts are the uniform, so I think ties as a gift are definitely passé. As to cuff links, they are now only worn on the most formal of occasions and Dad already has plenty of key chains, wallets, cologne and travel alarm clocks. Socks and underwear ... now really ... for a gift?

Which leaves taking him to dinner or a show, tickets to his favorite sporting event or perhaps the latest electronic device (if you know his taste and Dad’s capabilities with doodads). Dads are notoriously difficult to buy for; maybe that’s why they remain quietly forgotten.

We are, after all, a nation of consumers and we celebrate all holidays and occasions by purchasing something, often for ourselves as well as the person or occasion being celebrated.

Additionally, fathers are no longer the undisputed head of the household. In the delightful play, “Life with Father” everything revolved around the father, Clarence Day, and any variance from his absolute word was done via good-natured ploys and schemes behind his back by the rest of the family.

In times past, father was the sole breadwinner and thus the sole authority. Women’s presence and success in the workforce has definitely shifted that balance of power. It is worth noting that our current and a recent president were both raised by single mothers. There is no question, however, that family stability and good family dynamics are greatly enhanced by the presence of a stable, caring father.

As an only child, I was included in the activities of grown-ups at a very young age. My father had only a few rules, but those were definite and inflexible. The most important life lesson he conveyed to me was to never judge a person by their wealth, education, color of their skin, religion or their sex.

He felt that as a girl or a woman, I could do anything. I recall how angry he became and how he risked his own job with the phone company by supporting the women who went on strike at the company because they were denied many of the positions reserved for “family men.”

So to you Dads who (despite this column) are gifted with an awful floral tie or cologne that smells like old rubber tires, or feel forgotten this Father’s Day, keep on with the difficult job of being a father.

Years later, things that you said, or most especially, things that you did, will bear fruit. I may have sometimes forgotten Dad on this, his day, but his influence which came from the kind of person he was, has remained with me, every day of my life.

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VNA’s birthday cake shines brightly in its 100th year

VNA Community Health Care, our local Branford VNA, is celebrating its 100th anniversary this year.

A vitally important service most of us have depended on at one time or another, the nonprofit Visiting Nurse Associations nationwide care for 4 million patients each year and employ 75,000 health care professionals.

Our local VNA originated in 1910, when Dr. Charles W. Gaylord and some of Branford’s wealthier residents hired Maude Britt to serve as the town nurse. The Guilford VNA came into existence in 1920 when nurse Salina Callahan was hired.

At that time, the nurses main role was to assist with home births and to teach families about good sanitation. Subsequently, they also handled TB outbreaks and childhood diseases such as measles and mumps. Today, of course, they are responsible for such diverse needs as flu vaccinations, fall prevention and helping patients manage conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and Alzheimer’s.

All VNAs have similar goals and services, but are separate organizations. Recently, VNA Community Healthcare acquired Hamden and Madison and will serve Greater New Haven and the Shoreline. An important advantage to this consolidation is an area-wide caregiver support network and the sharing of up-to-date technology such as home monitoring and medical alert systems.

The latter features a special medical dispenser that chimes when it is time for a pill. If the pill is not taken, it sends an alert to a call center. Classes on how to avoid falls, good nutrition and other wellness strategies are an important part of the VNA prevention program, and they are held in several convenient locations.

According to Barbara Katz, VNA’s director of Clinical Program Development, “The VNA nurse is the first line of defense against going to a nursing home and their help can be enlisted when”:

-There is a new diagnosis or treatment or a medical condition that is getting worse.

-The person is on Medicare.

-An individual is homebound.

VNA Community Healthcare has a private-duty, affiliate known as Life Time Solutions, with offices in Guilford, Old Saybrook and North Haven. Strong House is the VNA’s weekday respite care facility in Madison, providing transportation, nursing, programs and meals. Call 203-245-0524.

The VNA has a help line and problem-solving resource that may be reached at 866-474-5230. They also offer a caregiver support network and various helpful publications, including caregiver tip cards and personal health notebooks.

To celebrate the 100th anniversary, the VNA is interested in collecting old stories from past workers or families who received care. To share your story, call Michele Ferguson at 203-458-4277.

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Right this way for the Grand Central tour

Over the years, I have probably been in Grand Central Terminal several-hundred times, but like most of the 5-6 million daily commuters, I had never really “seen” it until I joined a recent Orange Senior day trip that included an insider’s view of this New York icon.

Grand Central Terminal (often incorrectly referred to as Grand Central Station, which is the subway station underneath the terminal) was built in 1913 at a time when new electrification technology allowed arriving trains to go underground.

Although it was built and named for the New York Central Railroad when many long-distance trains used the station, today it serves only commuter traffic from platforms on two levels; 41 upper and 26 platforms on the lower. There is a secret platform, No. 61 under the station which was used to convey President FDR and his limo, directly into the Waldorf-Astoria hotel. There is also a little known and very special, cocktail lounge which occupies the former elegant hideaway office and apartment of John W. Campbell. In memory of this ’30s tycoon, a popular drink is called “Prohibition Punch.”

Our guide pointed out many remarkable design innovations used in the building of Grand Central. Ramps, instead of stairs are used in most areas making it easier to move from one place to another. The architecture, by cleverly opening or narrowing spaces, although we are unaware of it, encourages us to slow down or walk more quickly.

The use of amber lights gives a soft, warm glow throughout. The 125-foot-high ceiling, which arches over the 80,000-square-foot main concourse, also has many unique features. It portrays the Mediterranean sky with October-March zodiac and 2,500 stars. A section of the zodiac is depicted backward, because Paul Helleu, the artist, took inspiration from a medieval manuscript that depicted the heavens as viewed from outside the celestial sphere. If you follow a line on the ceiling, you will also notice a small, very dark area. It is the color of the ceiling previous to renovation caused by accumulation of dirt and nicotine over the years.

Two major features of the Grand Concourse are “the clock,” a favorite meeting place at the center of the information booths, and the grand staircases. Each of the four faces on the clock is made from opal and its estimated value is between $10 and $20 million. Originally, there was only one grand staircase; the second (which is the one on the east side leading to the Metrazur restaurant) was added during the restoration. Both beautiful marble staircases are modeled after the one at the Paris Opera House.

Our guide showed us the area where from 1939-1964 CBS broadcast their evening news programs, including Ed R. Murrow’s well known “See It Now.” The comings and goings of the trains, however, caused frequent lost signal problems, which necessitated a constant adjustment of the “rabbit ears” on viewer’s sets as they lost the program.

By the 1950s, we had become a nation of suburbs and cars and, of course, the cost of prime Manhattan real estate had soared. The interior of the terminal became filled with advertising and billboards in an effort to make money and in 1954 plans to demolish Grand Central and replace it with an office tower, were advanced.

Although the Landmarks Preservation Commission had designated Grand Central as a landmark, Penn Central filed an $8 million lawsuit against the City of New York, and the litigation lasted nearly a decade.

Jackie Kennedy Onassis and Brendan Gill rallied other influential New Yorkers in the fight to keep Grand Central, and it is now a National Historic Landmark: 1983 saw its takeover by MTA Metro-North which instituted an ambitious revitalization plan.

Now, with five upscale restaurants, including the famous Oyster Bar, 20 casual eateries, a gourmet food court and 50 specialty shops, Grand Central not only serves thousands of commuters, it is a historic landmark and tourist destination.

Free tours are available on Wednesdays at 12:30 from the Municipal Art Society, 212-935-3960, or Fridays, also at 12:30, given by the Grand Central Partnership, 212-883-2420. After taking the tour, you will never be able to rush through Grand Central in the same old way again.

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