Do's and don'ts of online dating no matter what your age

“Love ... If you have it, you don’t need anything else. If you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter what else you have.” — Sir James M. Barrie

As we all know, there are many kinds of love. Love of our friends, our children, our work, and perhaps most important but hardest of all, respect and love of all our fellow human beings.

But Valentine’s Day, which we will celebrate Thursday, is dedicated to romantic love, to that one very special person in our life. Since finding our “soul mate” seems to have become more difficult than in the past, and because it is also now big business with digital dating services representing the third-largest revenue generator in paid-content websites, your curious columnist did some personal research on the subject.

I joined a senior dating site, but did not want to mislead anyone, so never responded to any of the suggested matches. When I tried to cancel, I ran into major difficulty.

Therein lies my first warning: Be very clear about cancellation policies.

Some people have had success with dating online. I think if you engage in many different activities, you are just as likely to meet someone in a more relaxed, natural setting. However, since experts say that online dating has lost any stigma and newer sites such as eHarmony, Match.com and OkCupid match scientifically, herewith some of their suggestions:

‰You need to stand out. It is important to look different from the other 50 profiles the average person views.

‰Five useless phrases online daters should not use:

“Down to earth.” It is superficial and meaningless.

“I love to laugh.” Who doesn’t?

“I just want a nice guy.” Truth of the matter is, nice guys aren’t very interesting. He needs to have something that is different, a little compelling.

“I love life.” Not helpful. What do you love about life? Give me a look inside your head.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” People use this as a way of expressing that they really don’t need this online dating thing. That’s silly and degrades the process.

Dating in your senior years certainly can be complicated because the rules that we were accustomed to no longer hold true.

One new interesting site has a possible answer. Known as YourCauseOrMine, it matches members based on location, their causes and activity and provides a platform for individuals and groups to meet. They claim that members can identify their interest and involvement in various causes, search for profile matches among other members, join groups based on their interests and plan to volunteer with or attend local cause-related events.

The founders, Fred and Teshia Roby, live on the West Coast, and say their own experience served as an inspiration for the site. At the least, you would be put in touch with some interesting groups with like-minded people.

Unfortunately, sometimes Cupid is a scammer. Here is how to avoid a dating scam.

1. Set up an anonymous email account to protect your privacy.

2. Use your cellphone number, which is more difficult to check.

3. Drive yourself to your date, and tell someone where you will be. Your date does not need to know your address.

4. Pay half the bill.

And, of course, never pursue a long-distance relationship with a stranger online or reveal personal data until you have met face to face, checked out the individual and developed a trusting relationship. Never, under any circumstances, send money.

Even though love can be wonderful, keep your head before losing your heart.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Do's and don'ts of online dating no matter what your age

They ve come a long way, baby salesmen, that is

Despite the fact that many carmakers had a banner year last year, the average age of cars now on the road is 10 years. My still-dependable 12-year-old Toyota Avalon has carried me safely for more than 160,000 miles, but since I drive constantly for business, I have been thinking about buying what I am sure will be my last car.

The operative word here is thinking about. Actually, my looking started due to a freak accident. Leaving a movie theater with a friend, I returned to my car, only to find that my ignition key had mysteriously disappeared from my still completely intact key chain.

My friend Nancy Elderbaum helped me search my purse, the snowy ground beneath the car, the movie theater itself ... all to no avail.

We had to return to my house to pick up my spare car key, still completely bewildered as to how one key could leave a still-tight key ring. The very next day, I went to the Toyota dealership in Westbrook to get an additional key made. They informed me that sometimes, after much use, the plastic top part of a key develops a crack and separates from a key ring. Mystery solved. While waiting for the new key to be made, I wandered into the showroom to take a gander at the 2012 models on the floor and was immediately greeted by a 19-year-old salesman who wasn’t even out of diapers when I moved to Connecticut and purchased my previous car, a blue and gray eight-cylinder Oldsmobile.

However, to his credit, he was friendly, and unlike the Olds salesman, not at all dismissive. I shall never forget how the Oldsmobile salesman, after giving me some basic information, had told me that he would give me his best price when I was serious and returned with my husband.

To which I rather heatedly responded that I was buying the car for my own use and that he need not come up with any price; he had just lost my business forever. I did buy an Olds, but from another dealer. Today, salespeople apparently have come to realize that women are capable of making their own decisions, and this past week, I have been courteously treated ... no make that courted, at Honda, Hyundai and Subaru, the additional showrooms I have visited.

Although I have informed all the salesmen that I am just beginning to look, I have immediately received form letters and a call or two asking about my “decision.” Since even a low-mileage “new” car now costs as much as our first home, I intend to do some thorough research and weigh all factors, which could take weeks, even longer, before making a decision.

I must admit, however, my Avalon suddenly appeared a bit dowdy after viewing all the shiny new cars with their heated leather seats, rearview cameras, built-in navigation systems and Bluetooth phone capability. The options are as varied and sometimes as confusing as ordering dinner in an upscale French restaurant.

I have been looking at what the industry calls a “crossover,” which is part SUV and part passenger vehicle. For an aging person with a bad hip, they offer ease of entry. Additionally, there seem to be so many vans and SUVs on the road now, sometimes driving a sedan feels like being in a ditch.

I thought some of the pristine white models quite beautiful until I took one for a test drive and couldn’t get over the feeling of being behind the wheel of an ice cream truck. All that was missing was the bell to summon buyers. Meanwhile, any email comments or suggestions from recent car buyers would be welcome and appreciated, although as I said, so far, “I’m only looking, thank you.”

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: They ve come a long way, baby salesmen, that is

Nothing quite like having groceries delivered right to the kitchen

With Valentine’s Day promotions already in the stores and the cold days of February fast approaching, even those of us who like to shop in person, find that buying gifts as well as necessities online offers some major advantages.

Although it does have a tendency to clutter up my mailbox, signing up for coupon alerts at my “regular stores” (Stop & Shop, Staples, Talbots) flags specials that I might otherwise have missed. You can also find free coupons and free shipping deals at sites such as freeshipping.org. Stop & Shop’s Peapod site is a great convenience in bad weather. There is a minimum order and a charge, but they deliver right to your kitchen counter.

To make sure your online experience is a happy one, here are a few guidelines to follow:

-Make certain that you are ordering from a secure site. Look for the small padlock icon usually found in the top right-hand corner of your browser URL bar or look for the “s” in the address such as htps.

-Pay with a credit, not a debit card. I keep one, no-annual-fee card, exclusively for online purchases.

-Know the return, refund, shipping and handling policies. Print the terms and keep a copy. Some stores offer free shipping if you use their charge card, but be sure to pay off the full amount as their own cards often have a higher interest rate.

-Stick to your list. It is easy to get distracted by super-cheap, final-sale offerings.

-Read the reviews. They can be helpful to let you know if certain styles run small or if the golden yellow actually has a green cast. For electronics or purchases you need to assemble, it is good to know in advance how difficult it may be. You might decide the trouble won’t be worth the effort.

-Knowing the return policy can save you money, especially if you are not sure of your size. Some stores offer a postage paid return. Locally, Land’s End merchandise can be returned at a Sears store, and you can return all L.L. Bean purchases (including new and gift items) to their outlet store in Orange.

-The Amazon website is not just for books. They carry almost every product you can think of, including cosmetics, shoes and pet supplies.

-Lastly, inspect and try on any purchases promptly. If you have a problem, inform the seller in writing and keep a copy. Follow these suggestions and you won’t care if it snows ... you’ll be shopping in your jammies.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Nothing quite like having groceries delivered right to the kitchen

With great power comes great responsibility and other womanly notions

Way back in 1941, the popular women’s magazine, the Ladies’ Home Journal, adopted the slogan, “Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman.” At that time, however, women’s magazines were written for ladylike housewives, and the original thought was that women had the power, through persuasion, to lead their men to make the “right decisions.”

That 1941 issue also had a large advertisement for Chesterfield cigarettes, proving there was at least one company anxious to give women equal opportunity ... to smoke. There have also been sayings like, “Never underestimate the power of a woman’s intuition,” “Never underestimate the anger of a woman scorned” and “Never underestimate a man’s ability to underestimate a woman,” spoken by Kathleen Turner as detective V.I. Warshawski in the 1991 movie of the same name.

Now, women represent almost half of the workforce. They are the equal if not the main breadwinner in four out of 10 families, and they now receive more college and graduate degrees than men. However, they still make about 77 cents for every dollar earned by men.

The Internet is only one factor helping to alter that as women are using new ways to communicate and changing buying habits to form many different kinds of start-up businesses.

And now 98 seats in our new Congress are held by women; 20 percent of the 100 in the Senate and 17 percent of the 435 in the House. Where it would have gone unnoticed before, President Obama has been loudly criticized for giving all the best Cabinet and White House jobs to white males.

From March 4-15, the 57th session of the Commission of the Status of Women will be held at the United Nations. One of the major topics is the prevention of violence on women and girls.

One of the promising examples of governments initiating change is Australia’s landmark A Right to Respect, a 10-year program to prevent violence toward women. They learned that unequal power relations between men and women are a key cause along with adherence to gender stereotypes and cultures of violence. They also instituted family counseling where couples could learn nonviolent conflict resolution.

While we are aware of gender stereotypes in India, where the rape of young women is an everyday occurrence, we are not without deeply held prejudice in our own country when elected officials like Todd Aiken can qualify some rapes as “legitimate”; in which instance, a woman would not be impregnated. Can we expect our children to learn nonviolent conflict resolution when the heroes in our movies resolve everything with their fists or a gun, and our political parties seem unable to compromise and work together, even when the immediate future of the country is at stake?

In 1920, the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote was finally passed. The Women’s Suffrage Association had made the argument that women’s superior characteristics, especially purity, immunity from corruption and concerns with children and local issues, made their votes essential in promoting reform.

While I’m not so sure we have lived up to all those lofty ideals, now that we have both the voting power and increased financial independence, we must make our voices heard whenever we see unfairness, injustice or violence of any kind. Only then, will we truly have “arrived.”

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: With great power comes great responsibility and other womanly notions