Valentine’s Day is, traditionally, a time for lovers, but today in America, the most common household category is of a person living alone. There are 21 million single men and women in the over-50 age bracket, with four times as many women as men who live by themselves.
We all want to feel special, to be needed and comforted, but the affection and loyalty of a golden retriever can only go so far. Two interesting books that look for answers to living solo in a world that marches by twos, are “Dating After Fifty” by Sharon Romm, and “Never Be Lonely Again” by Pat Love and Jon Carlson. Romm claims that several prevailing myths are what prevents people from finding the companionship they crave.
Myth No. 1: All the good ones are taken. Actually, there are still many potential partners if you don’t set your expectations unreasonably high and take time to allow relationships to develop at their own pace.
Myth No. 2: No one will love me the way I am. Self-acceptance is key to being attractive to others. Work on improving what you can; you need to feel good about yourself. If that means losing some weight, join a weight-loss group. If you are shy, take a Dale Carnegie course. Challenge yourself to be the best you can be.
Myth No. 3: The family will object. You have a right to your personal happiness, and if that entails relationships outside of traditional marriage or unusual living arrangements, it is your choice to make. Dating does not necessarily lead to marriage if you don’t want it. Just be honest about your own feelings.
Myth No. 4: Dating is dangerous. Not if you take sensible precautions. If you haven’t been introduced through mutual friends or a common social group, meet in a public place for coffee, only. Ask questions and do some checking before further meetings.
In “Never Be Lonely Again,” the authors, who are behavioral experts, met with the Dalai Lama to develop a new approach to combat loneliness. Theirs is a difficult approach, requiring a total, ongoing commitment, but would seem to promise true and lasting results. The authors point out that we should not confuse alone and lonely; many people who live by themselves are very happy and not lonely, while others who live with a partner or family member feel desperately lonely.
Technology gives people the illusion that they are in relationships. Presence, in every sense of the word, is the key to never being lonely again. The book goes on to explain the importance of cultivating positive emotions and exercises to help accomplish this, and also emphasizes the need to shift from self-pleasure to happiness by using our particular skills for the good of others.
The book poses five questions that will change your life:
1. Who Am I? Your core values reflect who you are. How do you want the people you love to remember you?
2. Am I connected? You need three to five people in your close circle of friends/family for a true sense of well-being.
3. Am I living in community? Invest in people outside your close circle for a sense of well-being and belonging.
4. Are my talents being utilized in meaningful work? Work doesn’t have to be a paid activity. When you use your talents to benefit others, you feel productive and useful.
5. Am I living out the purpose of my life? Am I doing what I was put here on Earth to do?
For some of us, Valentine’s Day is bittersweet — remembering those loved ones we have lost. We need to focus on other loves: grandchildren, family members and treasured friends. Remember, love comes in many forms.
Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.
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