If we're going to complain, we might as well do it right

“I hate to be a kicker

I always long for peace

But the wheel that does the squeaking,

Is the one that gets the grease.”

If you’re going to complain, learn to do it right, says Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of “The Squeaky Wheel,” which explains how to complain to get the results you want.

We all waste huge amounts of time and emotion on complaints that don’t get a response or a resolution. Poor complaining can cost us money, ruin marriages and hinder child-rearing as well as lead to depression and anxiety.

Winch explains that we need to view complaints as opportunities rather than obstacles, and his principles can apply whether we are dealing with a rude store clerk, a co-worker, teenager or a spouse. Today, we all complain more because life is more complex, and we have come to expect better service, more immediate results and accommodations from service providers, friends, colleagues and loved ones.

Actually, complaints serve several social functions:

-Useful in lubricating social interactions as in, “You hated that movie? Oh, goodness ... I did, too.”

-Convey a social image by agreeing with the complainer — especially if they are your employer or “social superior.”

-A veiled message for action. Going by a messy living room, a mother might say, “Why am I the only one who cleans up around here?”

Phrasing requests in the form of a complaint is never an effective way to ask for help.

Sometimes we don’t complain properly or at all because we feel we lack time and energy, we don’t know where to complain or to whom, or we think no one will listen or care.

One good method of complaining is to create a “complaint sandwich.” First, wrap our complaint (the meat) between two positive communications (the bread) to help make our complaint more delicious. The top slice of bread is the ear opener ... important, because we all become defensive when we even sniff a complaint coming our way.

We raise our emotional drawbridges, flood our moats and release the crocodiles. The person making a complaint must not only hold any anger in check, but must also start with a phrase that shows understanding and appreciation of the other’s point of view. Once we focus on making our complaint effective; not just venting our anger, we can stay in control of our emotions.

All complaints are actually requests for cooperation or help from another person. Putting someone in a good mood does wonders for their motivation to help.

One of the easiest ways is to give the other person an authentic smile. Then we need to be specific about what we want Are we asking for a refund, a coupon, an apology, a hug or some other benefit?

Family members and teen-agers are a special challenge, according to the author. Teen-agers either explode in rage or glaze over with emotional glaucoma.

Repeated complaining, pestering, nagging and blaming is the biggest error parents make. First, parents need to really listen when teens have a topic that is important to them. Parents also need to make positive communication 80 percent of the time and only use 20 percent for complaints. And then they must be sure they have the teens’ full attention, first.

When positions are reversed and a complaint is handed to us, we should:

-Hold our convincing counter-argument and let the person finish speaking without interruption.

-Then, take a moment to reflect on the complaint and state what you understand their feeling is, paraphrasing what they have said.

-Acknowledge their feelings even if we think we are not to blame. Being understanding and compassionate does not mean we give up our right to disagree.

Winch feels that life presents us with many opportunities to influence our communities and change them for the better. Many of our daily experiences fall in the adequate range, but when we encounter extremes in either direction, we have a chance to become active if we take the time to complain or compliment to the right individual.

If more of us did this, imagine the collective impact it could have in bringing about positive change. Winch’s “Squeaky Wheel” offers a thorough guide to improving our relationships and attaining resolution to matters of importance.

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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