Noel Coward would not believe his ears

I’ve been watching and listening to the many Republican debates on television in order to try to take the measure of the man or woman who might possibly be called upon to lead our country out of the many knotty problems, both foreign and domestic, it presently faces.

So far, most of the candidates have seemed long on rhetoric and short on workable ideas. Whether Republican or Democrat, our campaigns seem to have deteriorated into mud-slinging bouts ... and we’re not even close to election time yet.

However, none of the candidates has shown the consummate skill of some famous past “insulters” who had mastered the fine art of the put down. A selection follows, and you, dear reader, may delight in finding these former sayings are a perfect match to today’s political figures. I leave you to figure out which fits who:

-“He is completely unspoiled by failure” — Noel Coward

-“Don’t look now, there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you” — Groucho Marx

-“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know” — Abraham Lincoln

-“Her only flair is in her nostrils” — Pauline Kael

-“He was trying to save both his faces” — John Gunther

-“He is a self-made man and worships his creator” — John Bright

-“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts; for support rather than illumination” — Andrew Lang

-“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech” — George Bernard Shaw

-“He had delusions of adequacy” — Walter Kerr

-“He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire” — Winston Churchill

-“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends” — Oscar Wilde

-“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt” — Robert Redford

-“A modest little person with much to be modest about” — Winston Churchill

-“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge” — Thomas Reed

And to describe how I felt after listening to several of these lengthy debates, there is no better quote than Groucho Marx, who once quipped, “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

Just in case, at some future time you find yourself on the receiving end of an insult, some quick expert’s advice on how to handle it.

-Don’t react ... keep neutral.

-Ask why they are attacking you.

-If you have unintentionally made a mistake, accept responsibility for your actions and apologize.

-Anger, hurt and insecurity are at the root of most insults. Insecure people call attention to the shortcomings of others in order to cover up their own perceived inadequacies.

-Respond with humor.

-Talk away and let them look bad for stooping to an insult.

However, if you are like me, you will think of the perfect comeback at around two in the morning, when it is too late to do anything about it.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotckiss Grove, Branford, 06405.

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