Honey, I managed perfectly fine all those years while you were at the office

An oft-quoted saying about retirees is, “I married you for better or for worse ... but not for lunch.”


Many couples feel that when a husband retires, the best is yet to come, and for some seniors it can be a fulfilling lifestyle. For many others, however, particularly those couples who have not had several honest discussions about their objectives beforehand, it can be a time of surprise and disappointment.

Particularly if there is a substantial age difference, the man may be at a place in life where he is ready to settle down, putter about the house and enjoy a leisurely pace; while his partner, now freed of child-rearing responsibilities, may see this as a time to have new adventures, to travel and to be constantly on the go.

Ideally, conversations about retirement lifestyle would have taken place before the gold watch and good-bye company dinner. Sometimes wives are completely surprised by a husband who formerly directed an entire department now transferring that scrutiny to all her activities.
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Remarks like, “You paid how much for that flank steak today?” or “Do you know how many calls you made to your sister last month?” are the start of arguments and hurt feelings.

Other husbands now seem to want to follow their wives everywhere but the bathroom, as well as take over all the household decisions; while some wives, whose husbands are at loose ends without a work routine, feel that his retirement should not become their new, full-time job.
One woman confided to me that she got a small dog (small dog, small bladder) so her husband would have to leave the house frequently to walk the dog, and she could have some momentary peace and quiet. Val and I had some major adjustments to make when he first retired.
I had just been offered a new, interesting job here in Connecticut, and while we had agreed it would make sense to sell the house on Long Island and move here, when the time came, Val was not able to follow through.

He felt lost without his work, and didn’t want to compound that by moving to a new area, so I commuted every weekend from Connecticut to Long Island until, after two years and some counseling, Val was finally able to move. He immediately found work as a consultant at an engineering firm and delighted in our lifestyle here.
Couples need to learn that they are not connected at the hip, and with hard work and negotiation, both lifestyles can be accommodated. Chores can be shared: Husbands can learn to do some cooking, and wives can learn to do simple household repairs and handle financial matters. Continued...

It might even pay to get some outside help if it prevents you from being a grouch. It also is very important to compliment each other on the work that each of you do. This can also be a time to find new interests that you both enjoy. It should be a time of taking a risk and trying new things together. Adult education classes and lectures at our senior centers or libraries can be a good place to start.

The first years of marriage can be a dress rehearsal for the retirement years and a third act worthy of a standing ovation.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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