Talking about the ‘what ifs’ gives your family piece of mind

Working as a senior adviser, I often remind adult children of aging parents that they are “caregivers in waiting,” and that they should have a conversation with their parents about planning for the future.

But as an aging parent myself, I also realize that sometimes seniors brush off our relatives’ attempts to learn about our finances, plans for emergencies and illness and our wishes for how we want to be treated as life nears its end.

It is unsettling to experience the role reversal that occurs when our children take on the role of parent, but it is only by sharing the plans we have made and making additional plans with those who will eventually become responsible for our well being that we can avoid unnecessary stress and heartache later. Plan for the worst, but expect the best is not a bad mantra to go by.

Knowing you have many of the “what ifs” that occur with aging taken care of is a stress reliever for both you and your loved ones. Another excellent reason to do your planning with family members now is that all too often I hear of bitter arguments among siblings as to what Mom or Dad would have wanted. No one is sure and now their parent is too ill or too incapacitated to make his or her wishes known.

I also know that well-meaning relatives, and even professionals, can sometimes say things in a very condescending manner that makes seniors feel their opinion is of no value.

By taking the initiative and asking the family to become involved, we can avoid the worried “what should we do about Mom (or Dad)” conversations behind our back.

First and foremost, everyone should seek the advice of an elder law attorney and have both a will and a document called a living will, which is an expression of your end-of-life wishes as well as how many different “support services” you may want. Equally important, it names a person who will know and carry out these wishes for you if you should become unable to express yourself. Both of these documents can be changed by you if your circumstances or wishes change.

Family members should know where these and other important documents — such as bank statements, savings, birth certificates, insurance policies and deeds to the house — are kept.

There also needs to be an honest discussion about where you will live if you can no longer manage in your own home. The time to look at assisted-living and continuing-care communities is before the need arises. They are, I feel, a wonderful lifestyle for those who can afford them.

Some families are able to live together in harmony, but for others, the eventual care of a sick parent can become an overwhelming burden. Additionally, family dynamics have undergone major changes. There are now more divorced older people, causing uncertain medical and pension benefits. Parents and children do not always live near one another and rules can vary greatly from state to state.

Despite computers and cellphones, many families no longer have regular, meaningful conversations with one another; they are just “too busy.”

We all plan for some major life changes like going away to school, the first job, marriage, the birth of a child, yet the process of aging is often not talked about or prepared for.

Since Monday is April Fool’s Day, I’ll take the liberty of rewording the saying: “There’s no fool like an old fool who has made no plans for his or her own aging.”

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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