Well, snap my straps; wait till you hear the latest from Jockey

Last week, I was bemoaning the number of “new and improved” contrivances that instead of simplifying life have resulted in techno-stupification; a pitiful condition in which a machine assumes complete control over the human it is supposedly serving.

Not content with confusing us with more complicated machines, the makers of Jockey, the unglamorous, bread-and-butter type underwear, have decided to introduce an entire new range of brassiere sizes. Never mind that for years, movie stars and Miss America have been branded not only by their names, but by their bra size as well. Magazines reported on who was a 36-23-36 and, of course, Dolly Parton was known for her ample bra size as well as her voice.

Victoria’s Secret made sexy lingerie and cleavage for all, perfectly acceptable.

However, sizes remained the same. A 1-inch difference between the breast at its fullest point, minus the rib cage equals an A cup, a 2-inch difference, a B cup, etc.

Jockey researchers scanned almost 1,000 women, studying breast shapes and other measurements of a woman’s torso and have come up with 10 cup sizes; not just bigger sizes, but different shapes, as well.

In order to be fitted, one would assume you would need the help of an experienced “bra fitter” in the privacy of a dressing room in a department store. Wrong!

The bras, which cost $60, will only be sold online. To find your fit, you also purchase a kit with 10 plastic cups in varying shapes, along with a measuring tape. The kit, incidentally, costs an additional $19.95. Someone with a 36-inch rib cage, but pointed breasts might be a 5-36 for example.

Frankly, I wish they would make women’s clothing sizes more standardized and simpler rather than add new complexities to the buying process.

And plastic cups!!! Sounds uncomfortably similar to that annual breast exam we all hate. Although the newspapers are filled with expensive watches to give Dad this Father’s Day, I think Jockey should treat the sexes fairly, and develop a $60 man’s brief, also with a range of cup sizes. That way, any politician, wishing to impress women on Twitter or Facebook, need only to send his Jockey measurements; no photos required.

If you’ll excuse the pun, I think Jockey’s expensive, new idea will prove a bust.

If Dad already has a watch and you would rather treat the entire family to a memorable outing, I highly recommend the current Goodspeed production, “Good News.” Filled with wonderful old songs like “The Best Things in Life Are Free,” “You’re The Cream in My Coffee” and “Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries,” and performed by a talented and energetic cast that had the entire theater stomping in time, it’s a wonderful treat for everyone.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net.

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