Honey, I managed perfectly fine all those years while you were at the office

An oft-quoted saying about retirees is, “I married you for better or for worse ... but not for lunch.”


Many couples feel that when a husband retires, the best is yet to come, and for some seniors it can be a fulfilling lifestyle. For many others, however, particularly those couples who have not had several honest discussions about their objectives beforehand, it can be a time of surprise and disappointment.

Particularly if there is a substantial age difference, the man may be at a place in life where he is ready to settle down, putter about the house and enjoy a leisurely pace; while his partner, now freed of child-rearing responsibilities, may see this as a time to have new adventures, to travel and to be constantly on the go.

Ideally, conversations about retirement lifestyle would have taken place before the gold watch and good-bye company dinner. Sometimes wives are completely surprised by a husband who formerly directed an entire department now transferring that scrutiny to all her activities.
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Remarks like, “You paid how much for that flank steak today?” or “Do you know how many calls you made to your sister last month?” are the start of arguments and hurt feelings.

Other husbands now seem to want to follow their wives everywhere but the bathroom, as well as take over all the household decisions; while some wives, whose husbands are at loose ends without a work routine, feel that his retirement should not become their new, full-time job.
One woman confided to me that she got a small dog (small dog, small bladder) so her husband would have to leave the house frequently to walk the dog, and she could have some momentary peace and quiet. Val and I had some major adjustments to make when he first retired.
I had just been offered a new, interesting job here in Connecticut, and while we had agreed it would make sense to sell the house on Long Island and move here, when the time came, Val was not able to follow through.

He felt lost without his work, and didn’t want to compound that by moving to a new area, so I commuted every weekend from Connecticut to Long Island until, after two years and some counseling, Val was finally able to move. He immediately found work as a consultant at an engineering firm and delighted in our lifestyle here.
Couples need to learn that they are not connected at the hip, and with hard work and negotiation, both lifestyles can be accommodated. Chores can be shared: Husbands can learn to do some cooking, and wives can learn to do simple household repairs and handle financial matters. Continued...

It might even pay to get some outside help if it prevents you from being a grouch. It also is very important to compliment each other on the work that each of you do. This can also be a time to find new interests that you both enjoy. It should be a time of taking a risk and trying new things together. Adult education classes and lectures at our senior centers or libraries can be a good place to start.

The first years of marriage can be a dress rehearsal for the retirement years and a third act worthy of a standing ovation.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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The incredible shrinking swimsuit and other seasonal tales

With the weather finally warming up, maybe I can safely put away the remainder of my sweaters, flannel slacks and fuzzy acrylic jackets and break out the cottons and floral prints. There’s always that distressing moment, however, when you discover that the clothes you carefully put away at the end of last summer have magically lost an entire size.


You also will come across several T-shirts that, when held to the light, reveal strawberry yogurt stains, and the unbecoming pedal pushers that should have been tossed.

By far the worst ritual leading to summer, however, is trying on last year’s bathing suit.

There you stand, all lumpy, shivering, un-tanned flesh, wondering if you dare be seen on a public beach. Despite the fact that new bathing suits are advertised with glamorous names such as “the Regatta” and “the Goddess,” I refuse to go through the embarrassment of trying on bathing suits in the overhead glare of 100-watt spotlights, the skin’s every dimple reflected in a four-way mirror. It is the ultimate humiliation.
Instead, I play it safe by sending for the same basic swimmer’s tank. It comes to my door, discreetly boxed, from Land’s End. The only daring, new innovation I might risk would be a different color, perhaps “purple passion” or “green with envy,” although surely anyone who has seen me in a swimsuit is definitely not.
While my basic pear shape is not going to change, warmer weather does make it easier to eat healthy. The American Medical Association reports that the “Mediterranean diet” is not only a figure slimmer, but is also linked to less late-in-life cognitive impairment. Basically, that means we should be eating more fruits, vegetables, legumes, cereals and fish and less meat and dairy products.
Staying hydrated as the weather turns warmer is important, too, but we should stay away from many of the canned sodas. A surprising report from a study done by Britain’s Food Standard Agency indicates there is no evidence that organically produced foods are nutritionally superior. Many nutritionists feel otherwise, and the research did not address questions of pesticides or other residues. So, if using all-organic food blows your budget, you might try a thorough washing of regular fruits and veggies, knowing that you are still receiving all your necessary vitamins.

The following are plentiful now, and especially good for you:
Apples: Good source of fiber and only 80 calories.
Apricots: Rich source of vitamin A. Continued...
Asparagus: Only 25 calories a serving, rich in vitamins A, C and folic acid.
Bananas: Good source of magnesium and potassium.
Blueberries: Antioxidant benefits (brain boosters).
Cantaloupe: Great source of beta-carotene and vitamin C.

If you like to garden but don’t have space, there is an interesting group that supports community gardening, the Connecticut Community Gardening Association. Gardens are in New Haven, Branford, Groton, Middletown, Westport and Enfield.

The one in Branford is an all-volunteer group that promotes local, organic produce, which is donated to families in need.

In New Haven, several city lots were made beautiful and productive. Call 203-770-0146 or go to ctcommunitygardening.org.

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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Thanks, Mom, for always treating me like I was someone special

Someone once said, “Guilt ... thy name is mother,” and while in the past, mothers were often unfairly blamed for everything wrong with their children, from autism to Zellweger syndrome, it is true that mothers have a great influence over how we view ourselves and others as well as our basic approach to life.

As I age, I have come to realize and appreciate more and more, the special gifts my mother gave to me. I will catch myself reflecting on something or reacting to a situation and recall something my mother said or did. One major gift which I will have to credit both parents for was exposure to and acceptance of people of varying religious faiths and skin color.

I recall helping a little girl named Michele recite and memorize her catechism on the way home from school as well as Friday evening Shabbat dinner at the home of my bosom buddy, Lillian Rudnetsky. Not just acceptance of, but complete indifference to, others ethnicity and religion is a huge gift because so many adults are never able to completely undo the biases they learned as children.

It was my mother, however, who handed down other special gifts; although money was tight, she saved quarters and dimes so she could take me to the theater, a constant pleasure for me to this day. Whenever I sit transfixed as the lights dim and a curtain rises, I invariably say a silent, “Thank you, Mom.” My mother also consistently told me and treated me as though I was very special and because of that, only my very best effort at anything I did, was good enough.

She was an expert seamstress and made most of my clothes, waiting for the sales on the best British woolens or finest cottons and searching out special trimmings and buttons. She passed down not only her sense of style, but also her appreciation of excellent workmanship. “Something good may become old, but it will always be good,” she would say.

Later on, when I traveled and could afford to send her some luxuries, I sought out the most exquisite small items I could find; a butter-soft leather wallet from Spain, note paper from Venice and a gossamer silk scarf from Paris, because I knew she adored and appreciated their quality and elegance.

Even though she loved fine things, my mother instilled her very British code of “stiff upper lip” and “keep calm and carry on” in the face of difficulty. Not only was I expected to achieve high marks in all subjects, I consistently had perfect attendance awards because my mother felt you were either in school or hospitalized.

She was strict about what she felt were important matters, but also optimistic and cheerful with a ready laugh. Although her schooling never went beyond high school, she was better educated than my father, a college graduate. An avid reader, she spent many hours reading to me; first, children’s stories then graduating to the classics.

When my boys were small, we were living abroad; but when my daughter was born, my mother was nearby, so she was also a major influence on Marianne. To this day, Marianne will remark, “What do you think Grandma would have done?” I know she, too, is remembering the lessons and values from my mother.

So this Mother’s Day, more important than the usual flowers, gifts or dinner, we might take time to recall and appreciate the lasting gifts our mothers have given us. And if you are fortunate enough to still have your mother with you, be sure to thank her. Continued...

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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See you at the Celebration of Healthy Aging in Branford

Want to have an entertaining and educational afternoon, completely free of charge?

If you are a senior or a family with a senior member, Shoreline Eldercare Alliance is hosting its third annual Celebration of Healthy Aging event Wednesday from 3-7 p.m. at the Owenego Beach & Tennis Club, a lovely waterfront setting at 40 Linden Ave. in Indian Neck, Branford.

Nibble on delicious samples provided by area restaurants while attending health workshops or listening to the popular River Boat Ramblers, the Tower One Chorus or watching the energetic Branford Senior Center Tappers.

The two featured speakers for the afternoon are Mark Verselli, a critically acclaimed impressionist and singer and Dr. Mary Tinetti, chief of geriatrics at Yale-New Haven Hospital and director of the Yale School of Medicine Program on Aging.

Tinetti has made a study of the risk factors involved in falls associated with advanced age, and she has created a large-scale interdisciplinary program in Connecticut that aims to prevent falling and reduce the effects of injuries.

Because laughter is a known remedy for whatever ails you, Verselli is making a special appearance. His comedy and cast of more than 120 personalities has captivated audiences from Foxwoods and Stamford’s Center for the Arts to Bally’s in Las Vegas.

A graduate of the University of Hartford, Verselli developed his long list of celebrity impressions and studied the singing styles of many of the great talents when he was a theater major and as a radio personality and stand-up entertainer in New York comedy clubs.

Mark confided to me that as a shy kid growing up in Wallingford, he loved to watch the performers at Oakdale. He landed a job at the Oakdale concession stand where he could endlessly watch performers going through their routines, several times a day, seven days a week. He began to study their idiosyncrasies and mannerisms, impersonating them until today, he can do Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole, Randy Travis, Willie Nelson, Julio Iglesias and Sammy Davis, Jr., sometimes all in the same breath. His skill and hard work enabled him, in 15 years, to go from the concession stand to being a headliner at Oakdale.

I asked Mark what characteristics make it easy to copy someone’s style, to capture the essence of their voice and mannerisms, and he said, “Good or bad, they have to be distinctive, and they have to be well known.” He also added, thoughtfully, “Now, with YouTube and the Internet, fame comes more quickly, but also fades very rapidly.”

The event is sponsored by Guilford Savings Bank. SEA is a nonprofit organization of professionals who believe that through support, education, planning and knowledge of available services, seniors can remain vital, healthy and independent as they age.

This promises to be a great event, and I hope to meet you this Wednesday at Owenego. For more information or directions, call 203-488-3805 or go to www.ShorelineEldercareAlliance.org.

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