Dearest Val, I couldn t have asked for a better husband

“Joy and sorrow are inseparable…— Kahlil Gibran

together they come and when one

sits alone with you, remember that the other

is a‘sleep upon your bed.”

It seems bittersweet, but appropriate, to use the name of Val’s favorite song; “The Last Farewell,” a seaman’s ballad by Roger Whittaker, to tell friends and readers that Val left my side and departed this world the morning of Feb. 18. He had been at Connecticut Hospice for exactly one week.

Quite by coincidence, I had written a column about Hospice at the end of January, but to write about it and actually experience Hospice care are entirely different matters. Words cannot fully express what a special place, staffed with extraordinary people and volunteers, this Hospice is. I can’t imagine a more beautiful, supportive atmosphere in which to say goodbye to a loved one.

Val (short for Vladimir) was born in Odessa, Russia, in 1920 and came to this country with his parents and brother Alex when he was just a toddler. Val’s father was a chef, and so they settled in New York City in an area with many other immigrants from Ukraine, moving to 13th Street so the boys could attend the outstanding Stuyvesant High School.

Upon graduating, Val applied and was accepted at Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, where he studied mechanical engineering. Not long after graduating, Val served in the Merchant Marine.

We first met when I was living in New York City and working as a publicist and one of my roommates, Bunny Brown, introduced us. She informed me that he was a lot of fun, but wouldn’t take you anywhere expensive (both true), and that he wasn’t the marrying kind since he had just broken up with a friend of hers.

I recall saying, “As for getting married, who would want to get stuck with a name like Vladimir Cherniachovsky?” (his full family name before a legal change). Continued...

In just two years, I happily changed my easy-to-pronounce maiden name of Bashore and now, after almost 60 years, am accustomed to Cherni.

Val and I have had a full life together with three children, moves to Chicago and Japan, where he was responsible for overseeing the building of several power plants, including one of the nuclear plants that was affected by the earthquake.

Although I don’t think any of today’s popular Internet dating services would have matched us, our differences seemed to complement one another. Where I was extroverted and impatient, Val was careful and meditative. In fact, like many engineers, you could age rapidly while waiting for him to reach a decision.

But like my father, he was honest and factual to a fault, had a strong moral compass and sense of fair play. Perhaps most of all, the glue that held our marriage firm in difficult moments was his offbeat and delightful sense of humor.

Now, learning to live alone and starting to deal with all the changes that accompany such a major loss feels like a seismic shock. I do know one thing for sure. A loved one is never replaced, but the only way to try to fill the empty space they leave is by reaching out and contributing in some small way to the well being of others. I shall try to do that. I know Val would expect it of me.

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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