We need extra-large fish hooks and more women as heads of state

A few days ago, I very nearly earned the imbecile of the week award (and if there isn’t one, there should be).

I had put two plastic shopping bags on the back seat of the car; one containing some old summer clothes destined for Goodwill, the other contained a brand new bathing suit which I planned to return to T.J. Maxx.

As I reached the end of Hotchkiss Grove, I noticed a small container for used clothing on the right side of the road and decided that would be an even quicker drop-off than stopping at Goodwill. I pulled over and then, always in a hurry, I grabbed a plastic bag and tossed it down the chute.

It wasn’t until I reached the store that I realized I had inadvertently grabbed the wrong bag and had just donated a brand new bathing suit. Feeling annoyed and foolish, I drove back to the “scene of the crime” and looked at the container.

The container was completely secure, although there was a name and phone number on the front. Wishing I had a long fishing hook of some kind, I drove home dejectedly.

However, it started me thinking about the many things we sometimes do in haste and then regret: the criticism uttered that we wish we could recall, the action taken without enough forethought or the ill-conceived plan because we had an idea and hurried to get the desired result.

This also brought to mind the numerous recent scandals caused by several famous men known for their brilliant minds who did such stupid things that one can only think they must have momentarily blacked out.

I’m sure both former Gov. Schwarzenegger and U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner, along with Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, John Edwards and Sen. David Vitter all wish they had that long fishing hook of recall, but today’s lightning rod media movement gives no one a second chance. And I have only mentioned Americans in government who have strayed.

The list would be considerably longer if it included Europeans and Hollywood men.

According to David C. Geary, professor of psychological sciences in Missouri, men who pursue politics are also pursuing power, and one reason they don’t even think about getting caught is that there seems to be a correlation between testosterone and risk-taking with severity of the consequences underestimated.

Geary added that “women, on the other hand, tend to focus on the potential harm of the consequences.” Now I ask you, dear readers, could there be a better argument not only for worldwide woman suffrage, but also for having the female sex as heads of state?

We would probably achieve an end to wars, a balanced budget with money left over for outstanding schools and social programs to cover the young, the poor and the elderly.

The men, meanwhile, could put all that testosterone and competitive spirit to building better interstate highways, developing innovative ways to save the environment, and vying with one another to see who would be anointed the next “Iron Chef.”

Incidentally, using my good feminine logic and powers of persuasion, I called and left several messages with the phone number of the charity listed on the aforementioned collection container.

Eventually, “Chick” responded and told me when he would be emptying said container, waited for me, and I was able to rescue the errant plastic bag with bathing suit intact.

P.S.: Chick was a real gentleman, and didn’t even try a fanny pinch as I bent over to retrieve the bag.

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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Even a modest vacation will do us all some good

Even though this is a time when most of us are watching the budget, taking some kind of vacation time is a good investment in our overall well-being. With some advance planning, there are many ways to stretch those dollars.

First and foremost, many coupons and good deals are only available on the Internet now, so if you have not become computer savvy as yet, enlist the help of grandchildren or a neighbor and promise yourself to sign up for a class in the fall or sooner.

When taking a trip by car, many new phones have an application for gas buddy which will alert you to the lowest gas prices in the area, wherever you drive. Another application, meal ticket, will track down reviews and coupons. Food is always a major expense so if you can possibly book a motel with a mini-kitchenette, you will be able to save on snacks, drinks and even a light meal if it has a microwave, as well.

Many motels and hotels offer a free or low-cost buffet breakfast, so with a little advance planning, you can limit eating out to one meal a day.

If you are renting a car, be sure to check what your credit card covers; many times you will not have to take the rental agency’s expensive insurance coverage. Using the Internet and sites such as Travelocity, you can save big on luxury hotels with their “Top Secret Hotels,” which supplies a list of hotels, their ratings and features.

You find out which hotel after making your booking so it offers excellent savings if you can be a little adventuresome. Airline bargains are hard to find. It pays to have a credit card that rewards in air miles, especially if your schedule is flexible and you can depart and arrive on days that are not as busy.

Remember that liquids, gels and aerosols must all be in 3-ounce-or-smaller containers, all placed in a clear plastic zip-top bag that does not exceed 1 quart. Put undeveloped film in your carry on, and wear easy on-off footwear since you will need to remove your shoes.

Don’t wrap any gifts, remove all items from pockets and by all means, arrive early. If you have a disability or wear a prosthetic device, notify security ahead of time. Animals and children need to be held and carriers and strollers should be folded as they will go through the metal detectors.

You should have your boarding pass, federal or state government issued photo ID, and passport (if required) in hand or easily accessible. My personal favorite for airline travel is a Vera Bradley handbag. The quilt fabric is lightweight and the many compartments are ideal to keep everything handy.

Also invaluable are the special TSA locks for your luggage. They can be opened by security using a master key, but not by anyone else. They can be reached by phone at 1-866-289-9673 or emailTSAcontactcenter@dhs.gov. You can also use www.tsa.gov/mobile to check on airport status, security wait times, etc., before leaving.

TSA also offers links to travelers health tips, vaccinations, disease outbreaks and how to plan ahead for illness and injury abroad.

After an unhappy incident in Morocco, I now always bring an antibiotic prescribed by my physician to combat severe diarrhea, as well as a decongestant, antimotion sickness pills and some hydro-cortisone cream in the carry on.

Now is also the time to book a money-saving repositioning cruise for late fall. You will spend more time relaxing on the water as they visit fewer ports, but the price per day is a real bargain, and they usually have great entertainment. Lindale Travel specializes in repositioning cruises. Call 1-800-269-7836 or check with your own travel expert.

Lastly, if you can’t go very far, our own state as well as Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Vermont and New Hampshire offer unlimited possibilities. Each state has a web site and will also send excellent travel guides upon request. Your local automobile club also has a vast supply of guides.

Happy vacationing!

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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Not your usual 'Dear John' letter

Be forewarned ... this will not be the usual column about what nifty gifts you should offer Dad on this, his day. That subject, I am sure, has already been more than adequately covered by others. This column is about what has too often been a hush-hush subject, a problem created and promoted by men, many who are fathers themselves — the trafficking of young girls who are forced into prostitution.

It is ironic that the very week we celebrate Father’s Day is the same week the State Department will release its annual report on human trafficking.

What is already known, however, is that just in America alone, 300,000 children are sexual slaves. The abduction of a young girl who was kidnapped and held captive for a number of years made headlines recently, but the huge number of other young girls (with an average age of 13) who enter into the sex trade, is hardly talked about.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutchner are putting their celebrity status to work in attempting to illuminate and then eradicate this deplorable practice. They are devoting time, money and energy to their DNA foundation, which is educating the public through a series of brief commercials featuring other celebrities, such as Sean Penn, Justin Timberlake and Jamie Fox.

The theme, “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls,” targets the sexual exploitation of minors. An awareness of problems in their own neighborhood prompted Moore’s three daughters with former husband, Bruce Willis, Rumer, 22, Scout, 19, and Tallulah, 17, to also take up the cause.

Moore says she herself was manipulated and taken advantage of as a teen, and she doesn’t want to see that happen to any girl. Her husband feels equally passionate on the subject, although he admits, “introducing the subject of prostitution will bring most dinner parties to a grinding halt.”

He adds, “About 70 percent of sexual transactions take place on the Web, from craigslist to escort sales, and it is all too easy for men of any age to view pornographic material. The less actual face to face time boys and young men get, the less they understand how real relationships work.”

Kutcher would like to create “Web policemen,” public watchmen who see this as bad and would report it. Research on the trafficking problem took Demi and Ashton to Russia, Haiti and most recently, Nepal.

They are joining with CNN’s Freedom Project, an effort by that station to investigate and bring to an end human trafficking and bonded labor, in a special program to be narrated by Moore called “Nepal’s Stolen Children.”

On the program, she will talk with girls as young as 11 who were duped into following men and women to the big city with promises of jobs, but instead were forced into the brutal life of prostitution. Moore will also profile CNN’s Hero of the Year, Anuradha Koirata, and her organization, Mati Nepal, which has saved more than 12,000 Nepalese children since its founding in 1993.

The program is actually one in a series from CNN’s “Freedom Project,” undertaken by CNN Executive Vice President Tony Maddox. He has committed reporters around the world to investigate and help end this global epidemic. The DNA Foundation believes that for too long, prostitution has punished the young girls involved, while the male clients are not prosecuted.

We need more law enforcement to stop the demand side, as well as rehabilitation and education for the victims. On this Father’s Day, perhaps fathers of young girls might consider their responsibility to help end this unspeakable and abhorrent situation.

“Nepal’s Stolen Children” airs on CNN at 8 and 11 p.m. June 26 and July 2.

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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If we're going to complain, we might as well do it right

“I hate to be a kicker

I always long for peace

But the wheel that does the squeaking,

Is the one that gets the grease.”

If you’re going to complain, learn to do it right, says Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of “The Squeaky Wheel,” which explains how to complain to get the results you want.

We all waste huge amounts of time and emotion on complaints that don’t get a response or a resolution. Poor complaining can cost us money, ruin marriages and hinder child-rearing as well as lead to depression and anxiety.

Winch explains that we need to view complaints as opportunities rather than obstacles, and his principles can apply whether we are dealing with a rude store clerk, a co-worker, teenager or a spouse. Today, we all complain more because life is more complex, and we have come to expect better service, more immediate results and accommodations from service providers, friends, colleagues and loved ones.

Actually, complaints serve several social functions:

-Useful in lubricating social interactions as in, “You hated that movie? Oh, goodness ... I did, too.”

-Convey a social image by agreeing with the complainer — especially if they are your employer or “social superior.”

-A veiled message for action. Going by a messy living room, a mother might say, “Why am I the only one who cleans up around here?”

Phrasing requests in the form of a complaint is never an effective way to ask for help.

Sometimes we don’t complain properly or at all because we feel we lack time and energy, we don’t know where to complain or to whom, or we think no one will listen or care.

One good method of complaining is to create a “complaint sandwich.” First, wrap our complaint (the meat) between two positive communications (the bread) to help make our complaint more delicious. The top slice of bread is the ear opener ... important, because we all become defensive when we even sniff a complaint coming our way.

We raise our emotional drawbridges, flood our moats and release the crocodiles. The person making a complaint must not only hold any anger in check, but must also start with a phrase that shows understanding and appreciation of the other’s point of view. Once we focus on making our complaint effective; not just venting our anger, we can stay in control of our emotions.

All complaints are actually requests for cooperation or help from another person. Putting someone in a good mood does wonders for their motivation to help.

One of the easiest ways is to give the other person an authentic smile. Then we need to be specific about what we want Are we asking for a refund, a coupon, an apology, a hug or some other benefit?

Family members and teen-agers are a special challenge, according to the author. Teen-agers either explode in rage or glaze over with emotional glaucoma.

Repeated complaining, pestering, nagging and blaming is the biggest error parents make. First, parents need to really listen when teens have a topic that is important to them. Parents also need to make positive communication 80 percent of the time and only use 20 percent for complaints. And then they must be sure they have the teens’ full attention, first.

When positions are reversed and a complaint is handed to us, we should:

-Hold our convincing counter-argument and let the person finish speaking without interruption.

-Then, take a moment to reflect on the complaint and state what you understand their feeling is, paraphrasing what they have said.

-Acknowledge their feelings even if we think we are not to blame. Being understanding and compassionate does not mean we give up our right to disagree.

Winch feels that life presents us with many opportunities to influence our communities and change them for the better. Many of our daily experiences fall in the adequate range, but when we encounter extremes in either direction, we have a chance to become active if we take the time to complain or compliment to the right individual.

If more of us did this, imagine the collective impact it could have in bringing about positive change. Winch’s “Squeaky Wheel” offers a thorough guide to improving our relationships and attaining resolution to matters of importance.

- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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