Well, here we are, the dawn of another new year

It seems to me that your chronological age has a definite effect on how you view and celebrate New Year’s. The young with their boundless enthusiasm and seemingly endless tomorrows, are anxious to be rid of the old and rush with carefree abandon to welcome the promise of things yet to be.

Their feelings are expressed in loud music, much food and liquor and parties that continue into the wee hours, while the true believers pack Times Square in New York City to brave the cold and shout themselves hoarse as a lighted globe makes its descent to mark the arrival of yet another year.

In contrast, we Medicare card carriers are not in such a hurry to see the old year end — even if it was not the best of years. For starters, we are all going to be one year older, and added to that, we know and cling to what we have in the present while tomorrow ... well, who knows? Experience has taught us that even with the best of intentions, things will probably not change dramatically.

New Year’s resolutions are seldom kept for long; and especially with the complex and almost overwhelming problems facing our country today, there are no quick fixes that the mere change of date from 2010 to 2011, can bring.

The magazines are filled with articles on re-inventing yourself or starting your next chapter in life; and while I am a firm believer that age should be no barrier to leading a full, productive life, there are no fairy godmothers with magic wands who can turn back the clock.

I believe that for seniors, the New Year is a time to reflect. We need to think about how and when we did not do our best, where perhaps, we failed those we love and how we can do better to continue to lead fuller, more meaningful, lives. While we should look forward with hope and optimism to the years ahead, we are also old enough to realize the gift that each and every day represents.

We have all lost some close friends or family members and are fully aware of both the beauty and frailty of life. Every year represents the opening of a new chapter with new possibilities and that is exciting and wonderful, but in actuality, all we ever have is this very moment — this moment that is passing with each breath we take.

As we greet the New Year, let us remember to live and cherish the moment.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Well, here we are, the dawn of another new year

A wonderfully kind gesture got this whole thing started

Something very special happened to me last week, and it caused me to think about, then research and write this column. After taking Val to get his hair cut, I suggested we treat ourselves to lunch. We chose Humphrey’s, a bar-and-grill-type restaurant that was nearby, but where we had never eaten previously.

Since I was able to park immediately in front and there were no steps to navigate, I asked Val if he thought he could manage to get to a table without my usual routine of taking the folding wheelchair out of the car trunk, unfolding it, and wheeling him inside.

He agreed and we proceeded into Humphrey’s with Val’s arm around my shoulder, both of us with knees buckling until we made it to the nearest table. Once there, we gratefully collapsed. I hadn’t noticed a young couple seated in a booth across from us, but apparently they had observed us. We ate our lunch, and upon requesting the check, the waitress advised us in a conspiratorial whisper, “The couple that had been seated across from you paid your check and wishes you a merry Christmas.”

I was flabbergasted. They hadn’t even stayed so we could either refuse or thank them.

That evening and the next day, I kept turning over in my mind what that unexpected act of generosity had meant to me: The warm holiday glow and renewed belief in the goodness of most people that it had instilled, and I began to research acts of random kindness.

One of the first things I found was a documentary film, “A Passion for Giving.” The directorial debut of Robin Baker Leacock, it features the selfless efforts of generous individuals, addressing the achievements of many people who did not have a lot of money. It also makes the point that practicing compassion is as beneficial to the donor as to the recipient.

From the film, I also learned that Meals on Wheels, which helps so many Connecticut seniors, was started in New York in 1981 by New York magazine food critic Gael Greene and chef James Beard. They initially raised $35,000 to cover 6,000 Christmas dinners for folks who otherwise would have gone without. Now, Meals on Wheels delivers more than 2 million meals each year.

When I mentioned my lunch experience to my neighbor, she said her granddaughter had just seen a movie on HBO called, “Pay It Forward.” Checking the reviews of that film, based on a book by Catherine Ryan Hyde, I found that although some felt it dragged and was too schmaltzy, all agreed that the idea about a young boy, inspired by his teacher, to help three people to make the world a better place and then to ask them to each help three others, to in effect, “pay it forward,” was in itself, inspiring. Since the film stars Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey, two of my favorite actors, I plan to rent it and decide for myself.

Finally on the HelpOthers.Org website, here’s just a sampling from something called a Smile Deck of Cards.

Clubs: For People You Know

2 of clubs: Leave a snack for an unsuspecting co-worker or friend

3 of clubs: Give a friend your favorite book

(This continues to the ace of clubs, which is to call a mentor and thank them.)

Hearts: For Unknown People

2 of hearts: Hide spare change where a stranger will find it.

3 of hearts: Tell public service employee how valuable they are. (This continues to the end of the suit with knock on neighborhood doors with a snack.)

Lastly, spades suggests things to do for our world, and diamonds offers things to do to create happiness for yourself. In this category, I will be looking for the opportunity to be an “unknown giver” and pass on the wonderful warm feelings that unknown couple gifted to me.

Merry Christmas, dear friends and readers.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: A wonderfully kind gesture got this whole thing started

You're invited on a holiday shopping spree in Branford, Guilford and Madison

For those of you who still have some holiday purchases to make, here’s a run-down of some good sources with a few extra-special items that caught this shopper’s eye.

When I have time to make the trip, the Westfarms Mall is a treat. In addition to Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Macy’s and JCPenney, there are so many excellent smaller chains and specialty shops and for the well heeled, Louis Vuitton and Tiffany’s.

While I enjoyed browsing the mall, I find that I am much more likely to find that unique gift in the excellent smaller shops we are so fortunate to have in New Haven and on the Shoreline.

One of my favorite shops is Details in Guilford. Absolutely everything the owner selects is elegant and in exquisite taste. Stunning floral glass decoupage platters were a find at $29, stainless cheese implement sets done up with a red ribbon were just $18, while $10 buys huge bars of special soaps and exquisite ceramic candy dishes that looked far more expensive than their $39 price tag.

A thought for future winter wedding gifts was the most stunning ice bucket I’ve ever seen anywhere and knockout silver salad servers with glowing ceramic handles. This store also beautifully wraps all your purchases.

Swish, with shops in Guilford and Branford, has some nice jewelry and accessories as well as a collection of useful Longchamps handbags in various sizes and colors.

Lulu’s in Guilford features soft, fluffy blankets and sweaters that would please any environmentalist on your shopping list as they are made from bamboo and polyester and are as soft as the maker’s name, “Barefoot Dreams.”

Arabella on Branford’s Main Street has a good selection of costume jewelry, lovely scarves (very much in fashion again this year) and a large choice of unusual handbags for every day or evening wear.

On the Post Road in Branford at Pier One, I spotted stunning red lacquer trays for only $10 and festive dinner bells at the same price. Colorful cordial sets on their own small tray were $29.

On to Madison where the festive Boston Post Road features too many lovely shops to mention here — just park your car and start browsing. Not to be missed, however, is the deservedly well-known, R.J. Julia Booksellers. The staff is knowledgeable and full of suggestions for finding just the right book. Also featured are unique cards and gift items, and you can also take a break in their delightful cafe.

I spotted a photo book on “Shelter Cats” and wanted to adopt each and every adorable one. Nora Ephron’s latest, “I Remember Nothing,” a humorous account of getting older, would make a great gift. I curled up in one of the store’s easy chairs to skim through Ken Jackson’s wonderful, just out, 1,433-page, “Encyclopedia of New York City.”

My last stop in Madison, 28 Durham Road, is a large, glass-windowed shop called Savvy Tea Gourmet. The owners are truly passionate about tea and carry an extensive selection of great teas and all the possible accessories that go into the making of an outstanding cup of tea.

There are wonderful pots from Japan known as Kabuki and Kyoto pots, a Big Ben teapot from, of course, London and show-worthy silver tea canisters for only $10.99. I had to treat myself to a “tea-for-one” set that is perfect for my bedtime tea and a cookie habit.

A very special opportunity to visit this unusual shop occurs from 5-7 p.m. Monday, when the Shoreline Eldercare Alliance is hosting a Holiday Open House featuring information on healthy aging, food tastings, raffle items, hypnotherapy, chair massage and a talk on the health benefits of tea. Hope to see you there.

Meanwhile, good luck finding that special gift for your special someone. And don’t forget that even a small remembrance is a way to thank the people who have helped to brighten your life this past year.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: You're invited on a holiday shopping spree in Branford, Guilford and Madison

Bah humbug to those holiday trappings we step in every year

Less than three weeks until Christmas, and while it is fun to anticipate and plan for the holidays, there are a few pre-holiday “happenings” I would happily forgo:

-5 a.m. store openings and “door buster” specials. These must appeal to people who value acquisitiveness over tradition, and for whom saving on a new television, Kindle or iPhone is more important than quality time with friends and family. Perhaps, instead of an orgy of spending to celebrate what is essentially a religious holiday, more of us might consider “alternative giving” in which the giver makes a donation to a charitable organization in the recipient’s name, an idea originated by none other than Benjamin Franklin.

-Wrapping paper and gift cards that arrive unsolicited in the mail. This year, I have promised myself that I will not allow feelings of guilt over stuff I didn’t ask for and won’t use to dictate the donations I decide to make.

-Announcements from your “friendly” bank or credit card company advising you by way of 10 sheets of tissue thin paper covered with microscopic legal pronouncements that in the coming year, they are making changes in their accounting or credit policies to which, after consulting an attorney to decipher, you may consent to agree or disagree.

-Store coupons and free shipping offers that arrive in catalogs that have expired before the postman delivers them.

-Christmas songs on the radio, television, in department stores, malls and supermarkets, which start being played before I’ve even finished eating the Thanksgiving leftovers. At the risk of sounding like Mrs. Scrooge, by the time Christmas arrives, I want to throw eggnog at anyone singing, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”

-The overuse of words like “Wow” and “Must Haves” in advertising supplements. As a former advertising copywriter, I know there are better descriptive words.

-E-mail greetings. The Internet and e-mail is certainly a useful tool, but if you are sending holiday or other occasion greetings, take the time to send a letter or a card or make a telephone call. While anything less may save you time, it makes this recipient feel as though you don’t really care. Ditto for the rarely heard from friend or relative who every year makes a courtesy call and proclaims, “We must get together after the holidays.” If you really want to see me, suggest a definite date — I’ll make every effort to arrange to meet you.

Statistical Reasons to simplify the holiday season

1. The average household in the U.S. spends about $1,700 on Christmas.

2. The average weight gain over the holidays is about 1 pound, which is not lost over the rest of the year. Thus, 10 years equals 10 additional pounds.

3. A recent survey concluded that shopping caused headaches in nearly a quarter of the people questioned and sleeplessness in 11 percent.

4. Americans throw away 25 percent more trash during the holidays than at other times of the year.

5. Holidays are a time of elevated risk for fires and alcohol-related traffic accidents.

Let’s all make every effort to have a sane, safe and meaningful holiday.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Bah humbug to those holiday trappings we step in every year

Fond memories sustain as holiday traditions fade

This was the first Thanksgiving in many years that Val and I spent by ourselves. Formerly, Thanksgiving was the holiday I traditionally hosted for all the family members who live near enough to come.

Preparations would start several days in advance and entailed adding a leaf to our already large dining room table, pressing the banquet-size linen tablecloth and napkins, polishing the silver, creating flower arrangements, preparing the guest room and, of course, cooking the turkey and all the traditional foods that accompany the bird.

Now, the dining room set has been banished to the basement, and in its place is Val’s hospital bed. Meals are in our cheerful, but small kitchen breakfast area. I did make a small turkey and tried not to miss the warm feelings of being surrounded by family and the excitement in the air that the start of the holiday season brings; but, of course, I did even though I know I will see some of the family at Christmas.

I am glad, however, that in the past, I went to the trouble (and it is a lot of work and effort) to create the memorable Thanksgiving holidays the family shared and enjoyed over the years. Looking at the photographs of holidays past and recalling the laughter and affection filling the house is a way I can still savor the moments.

It has also made me keenly aware of the importance of memories and the necessity of trying each day, in the here and now, of creating new ones.

As Val’s frailty has increased, certain memories have become clouded; accentuated no doubt, by the numerous medications he now must take. I never before realized how most couples develop a sort of “joint memory” with each one depending on the other to be responsible for the storing of certain facts.

Val was the keeper of records; from tax forms to insurance costs to what size light bulb was needed inside the refrigerator. Additionally, he usually could come up with the possible places I might have left my keys or glasses. The lessening of this ability to be my memory partner is difficult for me to accept, and I sometimes feel angry and betrayed when I must do the taxes or figure out how to replace the furnace filter — all information that was stored with him.

I was the repository for family birthdays, the children’s likes and dislikes in everything from food to books, who had what illness and when, as well as social and vacation planning. Our oldest son, Mike, is the “go-to” family memory keeper for anything to do with computers or medical research and, of course, our daughter, Marianne, remembers and reminds me of every mistake I ever made as a mother. We even depend on people outside our families to be memory keepers.

My friend, Joan Summa, is my reliable source for who was in what play or movie, while travel companion Barbara Borchardt is often asked to rack her brain for the name of that small cafe in Paris or the hotel where we stayed in Marrakech.

For couples, however, who depend on this joint memory on a daily basis, it is what makes death or divorce especially painful; some bereft partners even suffer from depression or cognitive dysfunction.

Cultivating memories can be a special challenge with families so busy and spread out. It can, however, be as simple as sending a collection of old photographs or writing a loving letter to a family member you haven’t seen or talked to in awhile.

Nowadays, so much changes so fast that it is even more important to create memories so that we have a sense of stability and continuance. May you build many happy memories for the future in the way you plan and celebrate the holiday season.

I'm reading: Fond memories sustain as holiday traditions fade

Santa brings joy to young and old alike

Although I dislike and disagree with stores and other places of business that begin to celebrate the holidays far before any reasonable calendar date, certain worthwhile charitable endeavors must, of necessity, be planned well in advance.

One very worthwhile cause, now in its fifth year, is Be a Santa to a Senior, a program designed to give small gifts to local seniors who may be alone and struggling to keep up with increasing living costs.

Last year, for example, one senior wrote a letter saying what a big surprise it was to receive a gift of assorted warm socks and how she appreciated the generosity of a stranger.

The program, sponsored by the local Home Instead Senior Care office in Guilford, providers of nonmedical home care and companionship, works this way: Prior to the holidays, participating nonprofit organizations identify seniors in the community and give those names to Rick Cortellessa, who is in charge of the program for Home Instead.

Then, special Christmas trees will go up in Guilford at the Community Center, Walmart and Forte’s Gourmet Food Market; in Madison, at Stop & Shop and Robert’s Food Center; and at the Stop & Shop stores in North Branford and East Haven.

These trees will feature ornaments with a code for the senior’s name and their gift request. Shoppers can choose an ornament, buy an item on the list and after wrapping it, return the gift to the store.

Home Instead enlists the help of staff and other volunteers in distributing the gifts directly to the seniors’ homes so that a short holiday visit will be part of the gift presentation. Girl Scout Troop 62179 will help hand out gifts and sing carols at Watrous Nursing Center Dec. 21, and Troop 622303 will be singing and giving gifts at Apple Rehab in Guilford Dec. 19. The North Branford Senior Center and Social Services will have volunteers delivering gifts the week of Dec. 20.

Other participants in the Be a Santa program are The Guilford Foundation, Guilford Interfaith Ministries, towns of Guilford, Madison and East Haven Social Services and its senior centers.

According to the owner, David Delancy, “Last year, Home Instead experienced unprecedented giving in our communities. We hope to again reach out this year to even more older adults with gestures of holiday cheer and goodwill.”

I'm reading: Santa brings joy to young and old alike

With a little help from Rod Serling,‘You’re traveling through another dimension...’

Setting the clock back last Sunday started me thinking what it would be like if, instead of setting the clock back one hour, we had the ability to set it back in years.

After all, since time itself is an invention of mankind and is measured differently in other time zones and perhaps doesn’t even exist as we know it, in outer space or different spheres, it just might be possible to do.

What would we choose to have frozen in time, if we could go back, say, 50 years or so?

Of course, one of the first wishes that comes to mind would be our health and looks, but aside from that, what about the world around us?

I think I would opt for the slower life pace of that time, and I would willingly sacrifice computer, fax and cell phone if they were a condition to enjoying a more leisurely lifestyle. I would most certainly want to return to the neighborliness and special “chance encounters” that are fast disappearing from our so-called “connected” lifestyle.

I miss the interesting conversations and even friendships that resulted from the spur-of-the-moment chat with someone on a train, in a store, on the street or on an airplane. Now, everyone is on their cell phone or i-pod, talking, but oblivious to the chance to connect to the person right next to them.

Would it also be possible in this fast-paced world to keep the good manners of old? I feel positively girlish and happy when a gentleman opens a door, tips his hat or calls me “Ma’am” instead of “you guys.” And, since I still enjoying dressing up, is it too much to ask that on a Friday or Saturday dinner out, men don a jacket and tie? Since my mother was raised in England, good manners, especially toward our elders, was stressed in our home.

While I didn’t expect my children to rise when a senior entered the room as I was taught to do, children and young adults should realize that although the senior population may not be swift on the computer, they have, over the years, accumulated some worthwhile experience and wisdom.

I would enjoy having the New York that I knew 50-plus years ago, exciting and stimulating, but much less crowded and expensive. Even allowing for the lower salaries of those days, rental apartments, theater tickets and restaurants were much more affordable.

I also miss the gracious, medium-priced department stores: Best & Co., B. Altman, Peck & Peck, Russeks, De Pinna and Bonwit Teller. Their tea rooms, personal shoppers, fashion shows and elegant gilded elevators manned by white-gloved attendants who announced the treasures awaiting on each floor — all the lovely niceties that made shopping an uplifting and memorable experience.

I would like to regain the feelings of safety and security formerly enjoyed by both myself and my children. No worries when they rode their bikes, went to the local swimming pool, played with friends ... all, unsupervised by me.

There wasn’t any need to constantly know their whereabouts. The rule was — be home by suppertime. And the major discipline problems in the school were chewing gum and talking in class.

Does time sweeten our memory of past events? I wonder if 50 years from now, people will look back on 2010 with fond nostalgia. Since I don’t expect to be around then, someone else will have to make that comparison.

I'm reading: With a little help from Rod Serling,‘You’re traveling through another dimension...’

Now that you've retired, it's time to consider your next career

The “golden years” dream was freedom from work; now that we are living longer, healthier lives, the new dream is freedom to work. The goal today for many is doing what you love, helping others and getting paid for it.

Civic Ventures, a national think tank on boomers’ work and social purpose was founded by Marc Freedman, a leading voice about the changing face of retirement. In 2005, Civic Ventures created an annual prize for people in encore careers to showcase the value of experience and dispute the notion that innovation is the sole province of the young.

Ten people, older than 60 will win this year’s Purpose Prize on Wednesday and receive up to $100,000 each. The 2007 winner, Dr. Donald Berwick, was later appointed by President Barack Obama to be administrator of the centers for Medicare and Medicaid services.

Berwick, a pediatrician with a master’s in public policy, launched a campaign to improve hospital safety and save lives by implementing six specific improvements in care, including ones to reduce medication errors and infections. In 18 months, 3,100 hospitals joined the effort and reduced deaths by 120,000 over the previous year.

In stark contrast, one of the 2008 winners, Catalino Tapia, was 20 years old when he came to America with a sixth-grade education and $6 in his pocket. He worked at many different jobs, but eventually became skilled at gardening and was sought after by affluent clients.

When he realized one of his dreams with son Noel graduating from law school, Catalino decided to help children of poor gardeners go to college, and with the help of seed money from some of his wealthy clients, he started a foundation to provide college scholarships.

The stories of past winners of the Purpose Prize on the Civic Ventures, seen at www.encore.org, are as amazing as they are inspirational.

One of the reasons it is so important to highlight the contributions seniors can make to society is there has been a growing national conversation about whether to make investments in children vs. expenditures for the elderly.

Obviously, since life expectancy will continue to increase, it no longer makes sense to spend the last third of our lives on a subsidized vacation. Encore careers encourage those in their 60s and 70s to trade money for meaning and become the backbone in fields such as education, healthcare, government and nonprofits.

Social Security can then support the truly dependent who retire on disability. Forty colleges in America have received grants to implement programs to help seniors re-career and prepare for encore careers in the fields mentioned above.

An excellent television program, “Open Mind,” airing at noon Saturdays on WNET-13, is currently discussing the MacArthur Foundation Research on an Aging Society and what we will have to do to accommodate an aging population.

A recent show discussed the trans-generational effects of the Experience Corps program in which senior volunteers have served as mentors to underprivileged children in more than 200 schools. Not only did the youngsters in grades K-3 improve dramatically with the additional attention and help, scientific studies of the seniors involved showed better health, improved memory and reasoning power as well as emotional well being.

The lesson, then, is not to pit one generation against the other, but to make investments across life’s course so that we all may benefit. Author Robert Hill adopts the perspective that positive aging doesn’t just happen; it is our actions and our intentional behaviors that affect the quality of our lives. What is known is that two of the most important features are:

-Close, long-lasting, meaningful relationships

-Engagement in purposeful activities that have meaning to us

If you are interested in reading the stories of some of the risk takers, idealists and innovators who are changing lives, starting with their own, or if you want information on a possible encore career for yourself, visit http://www.encore.org/.

I'm reading: Now that you've retired, it's time to consider your next career

Consider this before casting your vote

Listening to the articulate and knowledgeable Kate McEvoy of the Connecticut Agency on Aging discuss the forthcoming changes in the Federal Health Care Program at a recent Guilford VNA symposium, I was both excited and concerned.

Excited because many of the proposed changes which will take effect this coming January will benefit older adults, middle-income individuals, those with pre-existing conditions and seniors who would prefer to receive care at home instead of in a nursing home.

However, I am very concerned that because of the law’s complexities, false information about some of the provisions, our present stalemate in Congress, which will have to approve funding, that hopes for improving our flawed health-care system could be stymied or permanently shelved.

We spend about $7,681 per person on health care ... more than double the spending of European countries, Japan and other industrialized nations. We have the best emergency system, but not the best health-care system, and we are the only wealthy industrialized country in the world that lacks some form of universal health care.

Total government spending per capita in the United States on health care is 23 percent higher than Canada (which is funded by a mix of 70 public and 30 percent private) yet life expectancy is longer in Canada and they enjoy a lower infant mortality rate.

The new law would expand Medicaid coverage to those not historically qualified and by emphasizing preventative care, lower-income individuals would not be using the costly emergency room as their health-care provider. Also of note in this health-care reform is the elimination of deductibles and co-payments for Medicare and covering preventative services. It will also include an annual “wellness” doctor visit and establish tax credits for those with incomes above Medicaid limits. Additionally, as of January 2011, a voluntary, public long-term care insurance program with lower premiums than private insurance and not related to health status, would become available to working individuals.

The average monthly premium would be $123 and offer a benefit of up to $27,000 a year that the individual could decide to use for home care or home modification, as they choose.

To address the increasing shortage of health care workers, there are provisions for scholarships, loans and state grants to providers in medically underserved areas as well as graduate medical education initiatives.

And, (hurrah!) there will also be a schedule in which the coverage gap or doughnut hole, will be gradually closed.

Effective, starting this year, plans cannot impose lifetime or annual coverage limits for a list of essential benefits, and they may not rescind policies.

Premiums may no longer be determined according to health or gender, although they may be higher for the aged. Other excellent provisions include:

-Streamlined access to information rating nursing homes.

-Requirements for national and state criminal background checks for certain employees of home-care and nursing-home providers.

-Continuation of the Children’s Health Insurance Program in Connecticut. This funds the Husky program which helps grandparents raising grandchildren.

None of the proposed changed limit your choice of doctors. However, we certainly need to control spiraling costs. Older women who outlive men by five years or more, are especially at risk since they are more likely to need care, but usually have less income to cover the cost.

The affordable Care Act, signed into law by President Barack Obama, seeks to change the system in which doctors and hospitals get paid for each service they provide to a comprehensive system whereby they are paid to achieve healthy outcomes in patients, regardless of the number of tests or procedures.

These are all important issues which affect our lives and our pocketbooks. Be sure before voting on Nov. 3 that you know where the candidates stand on these important topics. It might be well to recall the words of Mahatma Ghandhi who said, “A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”

I'm reading: Consider this before casting your vote

Simply put, a little planning reduces your grocery bill

Not so long ago, midweek grocery shopping for my family of two would have cost about $50. Now, the same shopping rings up $100 at the register. And I’m not fooled by the cheery remark by the checkout girl who hands me the receipt and says, “You have just saved $7.58.”

With grapefruit $1 each, melons at $4 and fish often $9 a pound, I wonder how large families manage, and I have started to look for ways to cut my own ever-higher grocery bills.

Unfortunately, most of the ways to save involve spending additional time, but I am beginning to think that a small investment of time might be worth it.

One book chock-full of ideas (although much of the advice is geared to larger families) is Steve and Annette Economides’ “Cut Your Grocery Bills in Half.” The authors are personal finance experts with five children who they feed on $350 per month. Since most families spend 10-15 percent of their take-home pay on groceries, yearly savings could be substantial if you can learn how to eat well, but save big.

The authors state that in order to “shop to win,” you first must recognize that your grocery store is strategically designed to encourage you to buy the products on which they make the greatest profit so you must be prepared to navigate the detours and distractions. It all starts with a plan and the first step is:

1. Take stock of what you already have. I’m guilty of forgetting what is in the basement freezer or lower pantry and buying two extra when shopping.

2. Review grocery store ads circling needed items; then make a list, by store, of the best buys. This will help determine where you will shop this week.

3. Create a monthly meal plan based on family schedule. (This one would be really hard for me as my schedule changes from week to week, and how do you know you will feel like having spaghetti and meatballs, next Tuesday?)

4. Use seasonal fruits and vegetables and have protein, starch and vegetables at each meal. I could save by following this as I sometimes buy out-of-season fruit, because we like having blueberries or strawberries on our cereal.

5. Use your cookbook to find new ways to make “sale items.” The author likes “1,000 Best Recipes” from Cook’s Illustrated.

6. The meal is the meal. No special options for finicky eaters. I’m on board with this one, and when raising my brood, always followed the advice of Fran Lebowitz who said, “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

7. Stay away from extra-priced, small packages. Create your own single-serving chips or crackers by using zip lock bags.

8. Divide up the list with each purchaser assigned a section. Val is no longer well enough to shop with me, but this only works if you have a husband who doesn’t go “off list” and buy herring in cream sauce or Ben & Jerry’s pineapple passion.

9. Shop less often and avoid impulse buys. The authors claim they buy once a month, but I find some fruits go bad in one or two days. They use air-tight plastic containers with paper towels to absorb the moisture when storing lettuce and some fruits. Although I have an extra freezer in the basement, we are definitely spoiled, and neither Val or I ever expect to be short any favorite food which does necessitate many trips to the store. Buying in bulk only works if you have a large family, ample storage room and a basement freezer ... not typical of most retirees.

There is abundant good advice about watching date codes, staying focused at the check out, using rain checks, coupons and store brands and bringing your own bags to save money. Additional chapters cover organizing your kitchen and eating out for less. In summary, a thought-provoking and helpful book in these times of soaring food prices.

I'm reading: Simply put, a little planning reduces your grocery bill

Friesian beauties were the highlight of Vermont trip

This past Saturday, hoping to catch uninterrupted views of the fall colors, which make this area of our country so special, my friend Jo Recchia and I joined T&A Tours for a daylong trip to Vermont. After locating our bus at the crowded commuter parking lot off Exit 10 on Interstate 91 (apparently a favorite meeting place for tour buses bound for many different destinations) we were off to an early morning start on a perfect sunny fall day.

In just under an hour, we entered Vermont and were immediately aware of the pleasant difference that Vermont’s “no billboards” laws make in being able to enjoy the gorgeous scenery.

Missing also, were the usual signs of civilization: CVS, Pizza Hut, Starbucks and Walmart. We passed widely scattered homes with vast stretches of land surrounding them on all sides. We learned that Montpelier, Vermont’s capital, has fewer than 10,000 people; less than half the population of my hometown of Branford.

First stop was Basketville, a large and well-stocked store with beautiful baskets of every conceivable size and description, from traditional Nantucket-type handbags to unique and colorful wares from Thailand and Africa. I purchased a stunning, small African basket-bowl for daughter Marianne’s new condo home and some apple chutney- and watermelon-flavored hard candy for housebound hubby.

Not much further en route, it was time for lunch at the Putney Inn, a welcoming landmark in southern Vermont for more than three generations. Deeded in 1752 to an English army captain, this simple, understated building later became a Catholic seminary. When the interstate highway was built in 1961, the priests sold the property, and the building underwent its last transformation and became the Putney Inn. The owners are proud that the great-grandchildren of some of the local farmers still provide the greens and fresh vegetables to the inn, which features local produce as well as free-range turkey and delicious hams.

Two of the longtime farming and apple-growing families in the area each have five sons, resulting in a popular local bumper sticker which proclaims, “Apples Make Boys!” The Putney Inn is not only famous for the excellent food, it also serves as a training ground for cooking interns from famous culinary schools such as the Culinary Institute of America and Johnson & Wales.

Our last stop in the tiny town of Townshend, Vt., was the surprise of the day. I knew that we were to visit a place that raised horses, but I was not prepared to see a veritable campus devoted to the breeding, training, selling and performance of a large collection of award-winning Friesian horses. These all-black, magnificent horses which the owner, Robert Labrie, his wife, Laurie, and son, Ben, breed and house in a series of European-style barns and on their extensive rolling property, have won top honors worldwide.

The Friesian breed was the horse of choice in the time of the knights of old: They were sturdy enough to carry a knight in full armor and also quick and smart so that they could be controlled through the seat and knees, leaving the knight’s hands free to fight the oncoming enemy. Many top Friesians are bred in Holland, but the Labrie family is proud that of only nine horses in North America to achieve the rare “Model Mare” status rating, two are from their Friesians of Majesty horse farm. We watched a show of horsemanship in the large performance arena and also visited the stalls to meet, pet and nuzzle the horses, trained from infancy to be people friendly.

Almost as interesting as the horses is the story of the owner, “Bob” as everyone calls him. Obviously passionate about his farm and his horses, I asked about his background.

He grew up on a dairy farm in Massachusetts where although there were many more cows, he much preferred the horses the family kept. A self-starter, Bob had a small driveway paving business as a teen-ager, which he grew into a construction business, eventually employing 65 workers. Ten years ago, he decided to retire, sold the business and his original intention was to have a few horses.

He fell in love with the Friesian breed, studied and became a certified breeder and now has a thriving business and 60 horses. In addition to the breeding and sales of his special horses, Friesians of Majesty horse farm offers riding lessons, special “weekend camps” and carriage or sleigh rides.

Information as well as performance schedules are at www.friesiansofmajesty.com or call (802) 365-7526. After spending almost three hours with the amazing Friesian horses, our bus headed back to Connecticut.

When I finally reached home well after 8:30, I felt tired, but also the exhilaration one feels when having had a complete vacation from the usual routine — a sort of, other world, change of pace.

I'm reading: Friesian beauties were the highlight of Vermont trip

Abuse comes in many forms, so be on the lookout and then get help

Would it surprise and shock you to learn that there are more than 4,000 known victims of domestic violence per year in our small state? And, incidents of domestic violence which involve acts of abuse against another person in order to gain power and control, is on the increase with victims of every age, race, gender, sexual orientation and economic status.

The encouraging news is that Connecticut has an extensive and varied system of prevention and help to combat this problem.

At a most-informative, three-hour workshop held recently at the Guilford Women and Family Life Center, I listened to several experts in the field. Local policemen and women who are trained to answer domestic violence calls and counselors at the Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, spoke about the complex process of recognizing and then helping, when domestic violence occurs.

While 85 percent of the domestic violence victims are women, no one deserves to be hit, beaten, threatened, humiliated or otherwise subjected to physical or emotional harm. Teen-agers who are inexperienced in handling relationships can be especially vulnerable as can elders who may be financially and physically dependent on caregivers. And because our culture is so couples oriented, many people would rather be in any relationship, than be alone.

Some warning signs demonstrated by abusive people:

-Destructive criticism. Verbal attacks such as name calling, yelling, mocking and swearing.

-Pressure Tactics. Rushing decisions, “guilt-tripping,” sulking, manipulating the children, withholding money.

-Disrespect and emotional withholding. Not listening and responding; giving the “silent treatment,” interrupting, putting the person down in front of others. Not expressing feelings, not giving compliments, support or attention.

-Abusing trust. Lying, withholding information, cheating or being overly jealous.

-Breaking promises. Refusing to help, maintaining economic control, interfering with or not allowing the other person to work, taking their money, car keys, etc.

-Self-destructive. Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm.

-Isolation. Preventing person from seeing friends or relatives, monitoring phone calls, telling you where you may or may not go.

-Harassment. Uninvited calls or visits, checking on you, embarrassing you in public.

-Neglect. Ignoring personal care and health needs. Withholding medicine, abandonment for extended periods.

-Minimizing, denying and blaming. Making light of their behavior, saying the abuse didn’t happen or saying you caused it.

Even if violence doesn’t happen often, it remains as a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Children who witness domestic violence in their home are at risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.

Unfortunately, although it may be hard for others to understand, victims of domestic violence often have great difficulty leaving the relationship with an average of leaving seven times before going for good.

They have also usually called the police or the local domestic violence agency on numerous occasions before taking action. Now, however, the laws have changed. Before 1986, the victim had to press charges.

A case in Torrington brought about an important change when, after constant cries for help, a wife had her throat slashed. Today, if a woman shows signs of physical abuse, the police must take immediate action; with family violence arrests getting the next scheduled court date, usually the following day. The police may also now set the conditions for the abusers release.

Employees of the local domestic violence agency play an important and difficult role; they are the only ones with whom a conversation may remain completely confidential. They try to help victims with safety issues — not who was right or wrong.

Many women regret it if a partner is arrested; they are ashamed in front of the neighbors, worried about payment of bills, child care and the effect on the children, and they only want their partner to get help. Others fear for their safety and need a place to stay. There are confidential emergency shelters where battered women and children may stay for up to 60 days.

Here in Connecticut, there is help whether the abused individual is a teenager in a bad relationship, a family in turmoil or an elderly person dependent on care from the abuser. The 24-hour hot line for Domestic Services of Greater New Haven is 203-789-8104. You may remain anonymous if you so desire and only speak to someone with whom you wish to have a helping conversation. The Elder Abuse Hotline is 1-800-677-1116, and the Elderly Protective Care Services number is 203-974-8027.

Sandra Koorejian, the director of Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, says that everyone can help stop abuse by supporting prevention and education programs and speaking out against the violence in our advertising, music, television, Internet games and movies. All too often in our society, violence is seen as an acceptable way to solve problems.

Be sure to take the opportunity to see the movie, “Telling Amy’s Story,” a documentary about a domestic violence homicide — followed by a discussion with a panel of experts on Oct. 27 from 7-9 at the Guilford Free Library, 67 Park St., Guilford.

I'm reading: Abuse comes in many forms, so be on the lookout and then get help

STRIVE - New Haven has a most worthy job to do

Last week, this column attempted to give an overview of the current fall fashion scene ... or to my way of thinking, the fall fashion scream (as in you have to be kidding me!)

This week, I thought readers might like to know about a group of people rarely, if ever, written about by the fashion pundits: those individuals who want to find work, but lack the necessary skills and the appropriate clothes for job hunting and the interview.

An exceptional nonprofit group called STRIVE-New Haven, Inc. an affiliate of STRIVE-New York, with a network of 17 others, in cities here and overseas, is dedicated to helping these difficult-to-employ, men and women.

A free, three-week employability skills training workshop focuses on resume preparation, interview techniques and confidence building to prepare students to find and hold a job. Graduates of the program are entitled to lifetime job-placement assistance, Since its inception 10 years ago, more than 1,200 New Haven area residents have graduated with a 70 percent job retention rate after two years; representing money saved on food stamps, welfare and other entitlement programs.

The offices of STRIVE are also the home of the New Haven Career Gear, which provides men and women with the proper business attire. Their motto is, “A suit and a second chance.” The right clothes inspire confidence, and the staff will help job-seekers pick out a suitable outfit.

Originally, only men’s clothing was available, but graduates of the New Haven Leadership Center, a program developed by the New Haven Chamber of Commerce, helped to establish a women’s clothing bank.

Another source for women’s business clothing is the nonprofit Dress for Success with outlets in Hartford and Fairfield. This program offers women, often single mothers, job counseling as well as wardrobe and makeup advice. When a woman receives a job offer, she may choose five additional outfits to help her launch her new career.

STRIVE stands for Support and Training Results in Valuable Employees. Recently, STRIVE and the Veterans Administration have cooperated and designed a special course for out-of-work veterans who may be experiencing difficulty returning to civilian life. Listening to the touching testimonials on their Web site of former participants helped by STRIVE speaks volumes about the important work this small organization is accomplishing. They deserve our donations of money and clothes. Donations of clean business-appropriate attire in good condition may be dropped off at 746 Chapel St., Suite 301, in New Haven, or call 203-777-1720. And if, after giving away some clothes, you want to restock your wardrobe with stunning but sensible fashions while also donating to a good cause, the Madison Women’s Club is having a fashion show at the Pine Orchard Club on Oct. 17. Call Liz Duffy at 203-245-5715 for tickets or information.

I'm reading: STRIVE - New Haven has a most worthy job to do

Museum show brings thoughts of fall fashion

Fall officially began Thursday, and despite floods, famine, high unemployment and the loss of our A&P’s, women’s thoughts turn toward what’s new for fall in the world of fashion.

A few years ago, there was much talk and promises to use “normal weight” models because of the health risks many young girls were taking in trying to resemble the models they see on television and in magazines. Unfortunately, a normal weight is not even on the radar. The models are pre-adolescent nymphs with arms and legs so bony they look as though they have been living in Darfur.

Most designers seem to be getting their inspiration from out of the mainstream grunge street kids, rather than from well-known women of style.

Formerly, even if the rest of us could not afford the original, elegant clothes the socialites wore, such fashion did serve as a yardstick for good taste and we could look for inexpensive copies. Now, unwearable and ugly shoes are coupled with scrunched-up ankle socks, plaids compete with polka dots, harem pants topped by gauzy see-through blouses, and many skirts are so short they literally disappear when the wearer sits down.

And the men’s clothes are even worse! I’m tired of the Burberry ads featuring young, scowling toughs (and for women the model Kate Moss with her pouty, spaced-out look) and advertisements that employ words like “must haves” and “hot.”

If you would like to add some inexpensive touches to make your basic wardrobe look “this year,” I would suggest a white ruffled blouse, an asymetrical-styled sweater or jacket, and a faux shearling vest or bomber jacket.

Anything pleated or fringed is also shown by many designers, but when overdone, these can make the wearer resemble a walking lamp shade.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of viewing the exceptional Metropolitan Museum exhibit “American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity.” Utilizing continuous films on the exhibit walls and mannequins, the exhibit featured an extensive collection of fashions from the 1820s to the 1980s.

On display was Scarlett’s little velvet hat, worn when trying to charm Rhett Butler; the beautiful black and white ball gown that Annie Hearst wore to the London coronation ball; and Ava Gardner’s stunning ensemble from “The Barefoot Contessa.”

On view were kidskin boots from the 1960s that would be fashionable today, as well as sumptuous day suits and evening gowns made in Paris for women of elegance and wealth. The workmanship and the fabrics are absolutely breathtaking.

Another exhibit showed wool bloomer bathing suits and tightly laced corsets that surely must have been contributing factors to the women’s revolution. While this exhibit has closed, a smaller, but equally interesting exhibit, “Notorious and Notable: 20th Century Women of Style,” featuring their clothing and jewelry, has opened at the Museum of the City of New York (5th Avenue and 103rd Street) and will remain until Jan. 3.

There is no entrance fee for this museum, and if you are taking Metro-North into New York, get off at 125th Street. A $6 cab ride will put you at the museum’s front door, after which you can hop the 5th Avenue bus directly to the Metropolitan Museum, where there is always something worthwhile to see.

I'm reading: Museum show brings thoughts of fall fashion

Slow down a little and you’ll get somewhere

The Pennsylvania Dutch have a saying, “The hurryder I go, the behinder I get,” and today many of us are overwhelmed with things to do and it makes us feel tired, fatigued and stressed.

If we try to recall what we were so busy with last week, last month, or last year, we often can’t remember.

Christine Hohlbaum, the author of “The Power of Slow,” claims we can be more productive when we go slowly and learn to treat time as a friend, rather than a foe. She feels you can expand your experience of time itself simply through your mindset.

Time abundance, like time starvation, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, time is something we have designed so that we have some sort of order and sense to our lives; so we can all meet up at a designated place at the same moment.

Following are some of the author’s suggestions for gaining more time in your day:

‰Manage expectations: If you always feed back to the other person what you think you have heard, there will be fewer miss-understandings; saving lots of time up front because both sets of expectations are in alignment.

‰Set your priorities: Make a note of your top items to be done each day. This prevents them from simmering in your sub-conscious and causing stress. Check them off as they are completed so you will have a visual for all you have accomplished at the end of the day.

‰Exercise: Take a twenty minute mid-day walk to get a break and a new perspective.

Movement will increase the oxygen level in your blood, which helps you think more clearly. Exercise can also help you to sustain your energy level later in the day.

‰Get enough rest: Going to bed an hour later does not expand your day. Although individuals’ sleep needs vary, you should know what amount you require to be at your best and stick to it. Irregular sleeping patterns can stress out your system as much as irregular eating habits.

‰Stop multi-tasking: The brain can’t concentrate on two or more difficult things at once.

‰Unplug: Go off line or off cell for a few days. (I have some young friends who would rather hang by their thumbs than try this).

‰Be present in the here and now: Now is all there really is.

I do think Mrs. Hohlbaum has some good pointers but before ending this column, there are a few others I would add to her list:

1. Learn to say “no” to others and to tasks that are either beyond your capacity to accomplish or that you truly dislike doing.

2. Organize your things and your time. I am not a “naturally” neat person, but I make a big effort to put things back in their place so I don’t waste time looking for them. I also try to get rid of things I no longer need or use.

As for time, I watch very little television and strictly watch how long I am at the computer; these two activities can be time stealers.

3. Remain positive and grateful for all that is good in your life. When we allow negative or “poor me” thoughts to dominate, they drain our energy and cause stress.

Over my desk, I also have a framed, sort of modernistic sketch of a girl with a balloon. Underneath the sketch, and the reason I purchased it many years ago, are the following words: “Everything changed the day she found out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.”

I'm reading: Slow down a little and you’ll get somewhere

Somewhere 9/11 terrorists smile when we tear at one another

I have probably spent more time researching and thinking about this column than any other that I have written.

On 9/11, a horrific incident that united all of us ... young and old in every state and yes, of every color and religion, has now become a politically wielded wedge to drive us apart. The question of an Islamic center a few blocks from the former site of the World Trade Center is certainly of major importance, but the misinformation, hysteria and use of this one topic as a new litmus test for political candidates is a worrisome trend; sure to worsen as we approach the ninth anniversary of that day.

There has already been far too much over-the-top rhetoric and patriotic posturing instead of some understanding dialogue.

My husband and I both formerly worked for companies headquarted in the World Trade Center, so the fall of those buildings was exceedingly personal. Val, on a daily basis until his retirement, had worked on the 83rd floor of No. 2 WTC. I had worked in the Connecticut office of a large firm whose home office was in building No. 1 and had often been present at meetings and to entertain clients at the beautiful Windows on the World restaurant.

My initial reaction when I heard that a mosque was to be built near Ground Zero was an immediate and definitive, “No, it shouldn’t be there!” But after reading and listening to many differing opinions on the subject, I realize my first reaction was purely emotional, and I am now admittedly somewhat conflicted.

I have learned, for instance, that what is planned is really a cultural center with a pool, gym, cooking classes and activities for the community (although there certainly will be a place for Muslims to worship, as well). There is actually a small mosque nearby, already. Additionally, there are other “inappropriate” buildings in the area, like a strip club, but nobody seems upset about that or even the fact that after all this time, there is still no memorial to those (including some Muslims) who lost their lives that terrible day.

And if “appropriateness” is reason enough for impassioned protest, then the fact that Glenn Beck, who incites racism under the guise of civil rights, had a rally on the fourth anniversary of — and in the same place as — Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech, should have caused a major outcry.

Both Europe and America are becoming increasingly multi-cultural and multi-religious, and yet few of us know or even want to learn about the other cultures and religions which are flowing into mainstream America.

The WTC disaster was caused by a group of extremists who were Muslims, but by reacting with hate crimes, violence and prejudicial treatment, we unwittingly give strength to Osama Bin Laden’s claim that the West is at war with Islam, and it is the duty of every Muslim to resist.

Unfortunately, terrorism does work. Even though there were 600,000 Muslim residents in New York and its suburbs before 9/11, most of us were blissfully unaware of Islam. Remember how after Pearl Harbor, so many people felt that all Japanese Americans were disloyal that these citizens were hustled out of their homes, and placed in “camps” even though many of them had relatives and children serving in our armed forces?

Whether a bomb at Pearl Harbor or planes destroying the towers, we are all too ready to hate and to paint everyone with the same brush. Do we need to be concerned with where the money is coming from to fund the center?

Of course, but we need a lot more transparency in who funds many of our institutions as well as our candidates for political office. It is interesting to note that the second largest stockholder in the News Corp., owners of Fox News, The Wall Street Journal and the New York Post, is Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, who has donated substantial sums to projects led by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, who wants to build the Islamic community center under discussion.

In summary, do I feel the Cordoba Center has every constitutional right to be built on property purchased in 2009? Without a doubt, it has. Daisy Kahn, executive director of the American Society for Muslim Advancement, says the center is meant to improve interfaith relations.

Do I wish in the interests of fostering good will and understanding that they would be sensitive to the emotional associations of 9/11 and decide to build their community center on another site? Yes, I do, and along with many others, would applaud them for making that thoughtful decision.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Somewhere 9/11 terrorists smile when we tear at one another

Mom never forgot the women who struggled so that she could vote

Sometimes, when we read about the dishonesty and greed of many politicians or listen to the mud-slinging and false accusations that seem to be part of every campaign, we become discouraged with our political system and a few of us may even decide not to bother voting.

One of my earliest and most vivid memories is of accompanying my mother when she went to vote. She told me about watching the women suffragettes in England who were thrown into prison when they were marching to gain voting privileges.

“If you, as a woman, ever fail to vote, you betray all those courageous women who worked so hard to obtain the right,” she said. This past Thursday marked the 90th anniversary of the day the suffrage battle was finally won here in America. And what a long, hard battle it was: It took the women’s suffrage movement more than 70 years to get the 19th Amendment added to the Constitution.

In America, it began in 1848 in Seneca Falls, N.Y., when 68 women and 32 men signed a Declaration of Sentiments, a set of 12 resolutions calling for the equal treatment of women and men under the law and voting rights for women.

One woman who attended that convention was 19-year-old Charlotte Woodward. When women finally won the vote, she was the only participant still alive.

Meanwhile, in 1792 in England, Mary Wollstonecraft had published “A Vindication of the Rights of Women,” and in 1903, the Women’s Social and Political Union formed in England to fight for voting rights, led by Emmeline Pankhurst.

Many of these demonstrators were jailed and when they staged a hunger strike, were force fed. In England, the right to vote was granted to women at age 30 and above in 1918 and finally lowered to age 21 in 1928.

In America, although the Equal Rights Amendment was drafted in 1923, it lay dormant for about 50 years. It was opposed by a well-organized anti-suffrage movement which argued that most women didn’t want the right to vote and weren’t qualified to exercise it, anyhow. The women used humor to fight back and in 1915 Alice Miller wrote:

Why We Don’t Want

Men to Vote

-Because man’s place is in the army

-Because no manly man wants to settle any question otherwise than by fighting about it.

-Because if men adopt peaceable methods, women won’t look up to them.

-Because men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games and political conventions shows this.

Suffragists took their fight to the states and by 1916, women had the right to vote for the president in 11 states. This same year, Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first American woman elected to the House of Representatives; even though her fellow women would not be able to vote nationally for four more years.

It is interesting to note that although the fight for equal rights started in the East, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, California, Kansas and Arizona were the first states to give women the franchise. And, as far back as 1862, some Swedish women were able to vote in local elections. Women in New Zealand, Australia, Finland, Norway, Denmark, the U.K., Russia, Belgium and the Netherlands were all able to vote before women in America. France, that bastion of liberty, did not grant women the right until 1944, only three years before the women of Japan.

During World War I, when women worked in the factories to help, President Wilson began to support women’s suffrage. He said, “We have made partners of the women in this war. Shall we admit them only to a partnership of suffering and sacrifice and toil and not to a partnership of right?”

In 1919, Congress passed the 19th Amendment and 35 states quickly approved it, but it needed one more state’s approval to be ratified. All eyes turned to Tennessee, the only remaining state where it had a chance.

It is a delicious footnote to history to learn that a young legislator, 24-year-old Harry Burn, had voted with the anti-suffrage forces to that time. But a letter from his mother, urging him to vote for the rights of women, convinced him to change his mind. And so on Aug. 26, 1920, the 19th Amendment became law.

Voting remains one of the most cherished rights and fundamental responsibilities of citizenship.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Mom never forgot the women who struggled so that she could vote

Slowly but surely, we're learning to live with less

Unbridled spending and conspicuous consumption are no longer popular. Even if you or someone in your family is not one of the unlucky members of the long-term unemployed, the general economic uncertainty both here and abroad has created a renewed interest in cutting expenses and returning to the “simple life.”

If your stock portfolio has sunk to new lows, it may offer some small comfort to learn that the 10 richest Americans lost a combined total of 39.2 billion this past year. But it is not just wealthy Americans who are saddled with too many things.

Thanks to my daughter, I was introduced recently to a remarkable online video, “The Story of Stuff,” by Annie Leonard, which has now been viewed by millions worldwide.

Annie says that Americans spend most of their dwindling leisure time either watching television or shopping. She makes a convincing case for the production and disposal costs of our “stuff” in health and environmental problems. You can watch the 20-minute video at www.storyofstuff.com.

Another interesting website called “The Great American Apparel Diet” was formed by a group of women and two men who are attempting to completely eliminate new apparel from their diets for one entire year. Even though there is a footwear and accessories loophole, this is still a difficult assignment.

Like most women, they are attached to their wardrobes, and buying something new is as natural as a chocolate pick-me-up. The ages of this group ranged from 19-60 and their reasons for joining were varied. Some have lost their jobs or made career changes and want to cut their spending, while others are tired of consumption and are concerned about the environment.

One member said she had enough clothes to last a lifetime, but always feels she never has enough and needs to learn to live with what she has. Another member felt she spends too much time thinking and talking about clothes.

I certainly applaud their efforts. I think I could manage it, provided I could engage the accessories loophole. I am, admittedly, a pocketbook collector and have a vast assortment in all shapes and colors. However, research shows that the money spent on experiences such as vacations, sports or leisure activities brings the most lasting pleasure.

Additionally, saving for and anticipating these events increases our happiness, as does sharing experiences with friends and family.

Following are some additional tried-and-true methods to help you save:

-Ask for senior or other discounts wherever you shop. They are often available, but not offered unless requested.

-Refinance your mortgage if you can reduce your interest rate. Also, if you have at least a 20 percent cushion, you can get rid of PMI insurance.

-Look for free checking accounts and credit cards that offer rewards.

-Pay all credit card bills promptly. Never pay interest.

-If using a credit card is too tempting, only pay in cash.

-Combine cable, Internet and phone service for savings.

-Cut out cable channels you really don’t need or watch.

-Rent DVDs from the library or use Red Box at your grocery for $1 per night.

-Share magazines with your neighbors.

-Use newspaper and Internet coupons.

-Shop thrift stores and garage sales for used items that you need. No impulse buys.

-Stop smoking.

-Track expenses for two to three months and see what you can cut out.

-Buy out-of-season and take care of what you have so it will last.

-Don’t shop without a plan or when bored. Instead, go to a museum, a talk at your library or one of the many free events in your area.

“I have learned to seek my happiness in limiting my desires rather than attempting to satisfy them.” — John Stuart Mill

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: Slowly but surely, we're learning to live with less

If you've got a bit of room left on your summer reading list

Although many people prefer winter as the time to curl up with a good book, I find I often catch up on my reading during the summer. Winter weather invigorates me, and I become involved in projects; while summer makes me lazy and more inclined to relax in a lawn chair, or curl up in air-conditioned comfort with book in hand if it’s as unbearably hot as it has been this past month.

For some reason, I seem to favor biographies or nonfiction, and for those of you whose taste runs along similar lines, here are a few selections I particularly enjoyed:

-No. 1 on my list and one of the most outstanding books I’ve read in a long time is “The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks,” the amazing but true story of a poor, African-American woman whose unique cancer cells provided science with many of the most important medical discoveries of the past 100 years.

It is also the story of author Rebecca Skloot’s determined search for the story behind the amazing HeLa cells. Skloot is a scientific journalist, but she creates a story as exciting as any novel while raising some important bioethics questions. I couldn’t put this book down.

-No. 2 “Half the Sky” by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Kristof has been one of my favorite writers ever since he started reporting for The New York Times. Always a fighter for the poor and oppressed, he has become especially passionate about the oppression of women in the Third World.

This book, written with his wife, is about individual women who are responding in a grass-roots way to gender-based violence. It is a testament to the strength and resilience of women who, despite the odds, never give up. It is an inspiration and a call to arms for the rest of us to help those fighting injustice.

An important book about saving the world, one woman at a time. The title is from an old Chinese proverb, “Women hold up half the sky.”

-My third choice is “Making Toast” by Roger Rosenblatt, a small book that makes a big impression. It is a memoir about his daughter, Amy, who at age 38, died suddenly, leaving her husband and three young children.

Rosenblatt writes in an understated way, but with wit and feeling about how he and his wife move into their daughter’s house and take over the terrifyingly difficult work of filling the void in the children’s lives while trying to come to terms with their daughter’s death themselves.

The title, “Making Toast” comes from the one job that Rosenblatt is able to accomplish to everyone’s satisfaction. When one of the children asks, “How long are you staying, Boppo?” ... he responds, “Forever.”

His book is a tribute to the beauty and strength of a family’s devotion.

-And my last recommendation, even though I am only three-quarters of the way through, is “Perfection” by Julie Metz, a piercing memoir of her discovery of her husband’s deceptions while she was still grieving over his loss.

The book sheds light on certain types of individuals who can be charming and exciting and seem self-confident, but in reality are in constant need of reassurance and admiration. Her recognition that her life before her husband’s death was not what she thought, her struggle to retain some of the good of her marriage while putting her life back together, is another “hard-to-put-down” read.

While it is not my intention to start another “Oprah” book club, I would be interested to hear from readers of this column about their recent favorite books.

If one or two books turn up on everyone’s list, I’ll mention them at some future time.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: If you've got a bit of room left on your summer reading list

Chelsea and Marc picked a date near and dear to our hearts

Since I wish Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky many years of wedded bliss, I am willing to forgive them for unintentionally infringing on my special day and getting married on July 31, the same day on which Val and I celebrated our 57th wedding anniversary this year.

In addition to the many years separating us from Marc and Chelsea, our circumstances as a young, about-to-be married couple were also vastly different.

The Clintons are reputed to have spent almost $5 million on the wedding; I doubt if ours cost more than $500. I paid for my own wedding gown (a simple ankle-length, lace-trimmed dress in blush pink).

There was none of the family arguments or over-the-top months of planning that many television “bridal shows” would have us believe is now commonplace. Our New York City acquaintances were invited to attend the candlelight ceremony in Flushing’s Unitarian Church, but the small reception at the Swan Club on Long Island near my parent’s home was limited to family and a very few longtime friends.

My aunt came from Michigan and made the floral arrangements for the table; my New York City roommate was my maid of honor and only attendant; my cousin sang at our wedding and my uncle served as the official photographer. There must have been a small band at the reception because I remember Val twirled me in such a fast pace to the polka, I became red-faced and out of breath.

It was, I still recall, a beautiful wedding and a perfect day ... almost to the very last.

Weeks before the wedding, in the apartment I shared with two other working girls, I had laboriously packed my honeymoon suitcase, carefully placing my going-away suit and lacy nightwear between layers of tissue paper and scented sachets. Since ours was an evening ceremony, we planned to spend the first night at the Waldorf Astoria hotel in New York before leaving for our honeymoon in Canada.

When the reception wound down, Val and I departed by limo for New York, but instead of going directly to the hotel, Val told the driver to stop at his apartment (which was to become our apartment, since he had the cheapest rent). It seemed he needed to pack his suitcase.

Upon arrival at the apartment, I was shocked to learn that not only had he neglected to pack anything, there were dishes piled sky high in the sink. “Now, I know why you got married ... You just needed someone to do the dishes,” I railed at him. But there was no help for it; the limo driver and I had to wait while Val nonchalantly threw a few things together in a battered suitcase while remaining maddeningly calm throughout my sobs and tirade, a trait that has helped him survive subsequent temperamental outbursts over 57 years.

Val is a procrastinator; I want everything accomplished immediately. He is frugal; I tend to some extravagances. I am gregarious and outgoing while he is quiet and contemplative. I’m sure any of the Internet dating services that couples use today would never have matched us up.

Nevertheless, we work well as a team; our strengths and weaknesses apparently complement each other. Perhaps our marriage has lasted because I think we both have tried to put the needs of the marriage before the wants of the individual, but that has never meant that we have not done things as individuals, separate from one another and in keeping with our own special interests.

Val has always understood and encouraged my need for outside stimulation and involvement in meaningful work, and I have tried (not always successfully) to understand his engineer’s obsession with details and his stubborn need to question everything at least three times.

While it would be nice for any couple to start married life with good jobs and an ample bank account, as the Mezvinskys are, Chelsea, more than many young brides, must be painfully aware that those factors alone won’t supply the glue of commitment that holds a marriage together. She and Marc have known each other a long time, and she appears to be a young lady who is both bright and down to earth as well.

So here’s to you, Chelsea and Marc ... may you not only share our wedding date, may you eventually share a 57th anniversary date as well. Good luck, God bless and mazel tov.

I'm reading: Chelsea and Marc picked a date near and dear to our hearts

Guilford's library has been in good hands for many years

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a pretty little town on the Connecticut shoreline, a nice lady by the name of Clarissa Sage left money in her will for a new library building. A generous gentleman, Mr. Frederick Spencer, contributed the land and finally on Aug. 5, 1933, the first shoveful of earth was removed by Martha Cornell of Church Street and that, dear readers, was the start of the Guilford Free Library.

If a library reflects a town’s hopes and dreams, then an amazing but modest 102-year-old woman, Edith Nettleton, who began as the library director in 1933 and served as the library’s director for 44 years until 1978, is as much part of the library as the bricks and mortar and architectural details of the beautiful building gracing the Green, today.

Due to the kind invitation of Nancy Elderbaum of Guilford, I recently was one of more than 100 guests on the latest of many honorary occasions; this one in celebration of Edith’s 102nd birthday. I am also indebted to Patti Baldwin, head of the Reference Department, for her help while researching this column.

Edith Nettleton has been described as an individual as rare as a rare book and her history as well as the fact that she still serves as a volunteer at the library several days a week, attest to that. She grew up in Guilford, starting school in a one-room schoolhouse on Clapboard Hill, then graduating from Guilford High School. Afterward, she went to Springfield, Mass., and became a librarian.

When the Guilford library association wrote and asked her if she could suggest someone to serve as the town’s first librarian, she responded, “How would I do?” and was promptly hired. At first, she and two volunteers not only served as the solitary staff during library hours (three days a week from 2-5 and 7-9) but they worked many additional hours when the library was closed, in order to get everything done; even driving many of the books each week to the Church Street school as the schools did not have their own libraries.

It is interesting to note that two other women have been instrumental in the growth of Guilford’s library. When Jean Baldwin moved to Guilford in 1952, she was dismayed to find that there were no school libraries for her three children so she joined the PTA and worked to establish a volunteer library at several of the schools.

In 1961, she used her considerable energy, talent and love of libraries by becoming Guilford’s associate librarian and eventually, upon Edith’s retirement, library director. Following Jean’s retirement in 1987, Sandy Ruoff, the present director, has continued to obtain the newest technologies and innovations while still retaining the warm, service-oriented appeal that is a hallmark of the library.

In 1960, the library Board of Directors created a development committee to estimate expansion needs. By 1964, the town population had grown from 3,000 to more than 8,000 and the library staff had grown from one full-time person to four. Hours the library was open each week had grown from 15 to more than 59.

Despite the obvious need to expand, the first plan proposed was turned down as being too modern.

The 1977 addition, designed by the Madison architect Gilbert Switzer added 15,000 square feet to the original 5,000-square-foot building and the latest addition in 2008 of 14,000 square feet. brings the total size to 34,000 square feet.

Of course, libraries today, in addition to an ever-increasing collection of books, now also house computers, records, films, art prints and serve as an advanced data base for information on a variety of subjects. They also act as lecture and entertainment centers for the community.

Edith Nettleton was the recipient of the inaugural Guilford Lions Club Award as Woman of the Year in 1972, was honored by the Whitfield Historic Society on the occasion of her 90th birthday, and in July of 2003, the library’s Guilford Room where she spent many hours cataloguing the bits and pieces of Guilford’s past, was re-named the Edith B. Nettleton Historical Room. The room features floor-to-ceiling glass bookcases, two fireplaces, window seats and wing chairs which face the arched windows overlooking the Guilford Green.

Guilford residents can take pride in their outstanding library and the woman who devoted her life’s work to helping it grow.

“Perhaps no place in any community is so totally democratic as the town library. The only entrance requirement is interest.” — Lady Bird Johnson

I'm reading: Guilford's library has been in good hands for many years

Every miscreant seems to have one goal - end up on reality TV

“The highest form of vanity is love of fame.” — George Santayana

The announcement that Michaele and Tareq Salahi, who made headlines in November by crashing President Obama’s first state dinner, were going to write a book about their experiences both caught my attention and left me feeling disgusted.

They are working with an investigative reporter and they will critique White House security. Although, as yet, there is no publisher, their book agent says many celebrity- or scandal-based books have been very successful. Adding to her attraction, Michaele has a starring role in an upcoming “Real Housewives of D.C.” reality TV series.

The entire episode might be so ridiculous as to be considered laughable were it not for the fact that it is no longer a unique occurrence. It seems to me that there is something seriously amiss in a society so in awe of attention that it rewards outrageous, even illegal, behavior with celebrity status.

Instead of being shunned or even fined or jailed, these two self-promoting zealots, who carefully planned and orchestrated their White House exploit down to the tiniest detail, are admired and rewarded. The media and general public seemingly applaud their lies and bravado. One of their ambitions (now achieved) was to get on a “reality show.”

My writer’s curiosity aroused, I did some research on “reality” shows and was astounded to learn that there are currently more than 300 different reality shows on television.

Donald Trump, who is a stellar example of a self-promoter, wants the recently jailed Lindsay Lohan on his “Celebrity Apprentice” show, just what this obviously troubled and already overexposed young actress does not need.

After appearing on “Dancing with the Stars,” Pamela Anderson, whose main attribute is most definitely not her dancing but her expansive bustline, gushed that “dancing changed my life.”

Then there’s “Dance Your Ass Off” and “The Biggest Loser,” two of many weight-loss based reality shows.

Paris Hilton has a show so insipid it is almost fascinating. In her “My New BFF” show, potential new best friends are put through tests of loyalty, endurance and compatibility. When one by one they are eliminated, Paris dismisses them with a snide smile and says, “TTYN,” which is her shorthand for “Talk to you never.” Can anyone over 14 years of age stomach this junk? We also have the “How many kids can you produce?” genre as exemplified by “19 Kids and Counting” and “Kate + 8.” At least their profits will go to help feed and support their families.

The “Jersey Shore” show, which some Jerseyites considered so distasteful that they mounted a protest, stars several scantily dressed, loud-mouthed types as they mostly drink, sunbathe and flirt. However, one of their “stars,” Jenni “JWoww” is “designing” a new clothing line to be distributed by Filthy Couture in Las Vegas. (Honest, I’m not making this up!)

Kim Kardashian, another buxom babe, is into her second perfume launch and has a wax replica at Madame Tussauds. These so-called reality show celebrities are so admired, their endorsements earn them additional big bucks in fields where they have absolutely no expertise, everything from clothes design to “authoring” a book.

There is also “America’s Next Top Model,” “America’s Top Dog,” “America’s Toughest Jobs,” “Sell This House,” “Secret Millionaire,” “Extreme Makeover” ... the list is endless.

Wikipedia informs us that the reality type of programming, which is purportedly unscripted dramatic or humorous situations featuring ordinary people, started with game shows in the 1940s.

About 1948, Allen Funt’s “Candid Camera,” followed by “Beat the Clock” and “Truth or Consequences,” became wildly popular. In 1973, the first real reality shows were introduced with PBS’ “An American Family,” which followed the daily lives of a family going through a divorce.

The 1950 series, “You Asked For It,” in which viewers’ requests dictated the content, was the forerunner of today’s audience-participation shows in which viewers cast votes to help determine winners and the course of events.

In many reality shows, participants are put into exotic or dangerous situations and coached to act in specific, scripted ways. Speech and events are manipulated to create an illusion of reality.

We can blame the Writer’s Guild of America strike and the subsequent need for new programming for the huge growth and popularity of the reality type of show. One such show is called, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”

If Americans are satisfied with this type of programming, perhaps that answers the question.

I'm reading: Every miscreant seems to have one goal - end up on reality TV

Welcome to the 100,000-mile marital checkup

In a recent column, I talked about professor Jack Gesino’s views on how to learn to be happy. Since then, several other articles and books on the subject have come across my desk; perhaps it is as a result of wars, natural disasters and the economy, but it seems that research on, and advice about, being happy, is the new hot topic.

A federally financed study is following about 200 couples who will take part in a yearly marriage “checkup” ... similar to your preventative dental exam, it will attempt to discover any weak spots in the relationship.

The hope is that couples can make changes in the way they communicate so that problems can be solved before they sabotage the marriage. Since this is a computer-savvy generation, it should come as no surprise to learn that there are also several online programs that offer help to couples.

One online study is based on “acceptance therapy,” which focuses on better understanding of a partner’s flaws ... a skill which I long ago acquired and at which, any of the long-married couples pictured in the pages of this paper, must surely excel.

Perhaps this should be a skill learned in pre-marriage counseling; if we were aware of all of our partner’s flaws in advance, many ill-advised marriages might never take place. As a matter of fact, perhaps it would be the final blow to marriage as an institution.

According to author and lecturer, Maggie Scarf, marriage as an institution, has changed dramatically. I had the pleasure of personally chatting with Maggie, a research specialist on senior marriages, following her talk at the Institute for Learning in Retirement’s annual luncheon.

Scarf says, “since the social ferment of the 1960s, a number of alternatives to old-fashioned marriages have emerged: sexual partners living together; out-of-wedlock births; and single-parent child-rearing. All are now more commonplace and acceptable.

“Couples enter wedlock with a more light-hearted attitude (if it doesn’t work out, I can move on) and there is now little social stigma in the wake of a divorce. Paradoxically, it seems that the only people putting up a desperate fight for the right to get married are members of the gay community.”

What Scarf did find when she revisited the couples she had interviewed 20 years previously for her “Intimate Partners” book, was that for most of these senior couples, this was the happiest period of their lives. Career and child-rearing issues were over, their emotional processing and control was improved and since they were now more fully aware of the value of time, older adults arranged their days in ways that made them happier. She has reported on these senior couples in her book, “September Songs.”

I questioned what effect the current economy and loss of work opportunities for some older couples had on the marriages and she did admit that the majority of her happy couples were professionals from the New England area and were financially well off.

One interesting physical change as we age may also be responsible for why we feel happier. According to the Lifespan Laboratory in Stanford, Calif., the stress area of aging brains loses cells while there are positive changes in the frontal area of older brains that increase our sense of well being.

If you’ve gotten this far and still wonder how your marriage is doing, Brigham Young University offers an extensive online martial assessment called Relate. It reveals a couple’s communication and conflict styles and costs less than $50. For information, go to www.relate-institute.org.

As for me, assuming the unlikely luck of finding another compatible companion, after 56 years of ups and downs, I’m sticking with what I’ve got. The thought of re-adjusting to anyone else is simply too exhausting.

I'm reading: Welcome to the 100,000-mile marital checkup

Contemplating the next bathing suit sends chills down the spine

The July 4th holiday brings picnics, parades and fireworks, but alas, it is also the official start of the bathing suit sales. Since I take an exercise swim class year-round, this is the time I must survey my bathing suit wardrobe and replace any suits that are deteriorating due to the effects of chlorine or shredding in strategic places.

This is annually the most embarrassing and thoroughly depressing procedure (second only to a colonoscopy) that I must endure.

I start by paging through the bathing suit catalogs to find out if my figure is an apple, triangle, pear or diamond. Unfortunately, it is all of these shapes with some unidentified additional problem areas.

My husband has worn the same pair of maroon trunks with drawstring waist for 10 years and his only worry are his knobby knees.

I have been trying to take solace in Carol Tuttle’s “Dressing Your Truth … Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile,” in which she states that every woman is innately beautiful. By learning your personal “Beauty Profile,” you can start dressing your truth.

Tuttle is an alternative psycho-therapist who helps to empower women to make fashion and beauty choices in harmony with their personal Beauty Profile, expressing the true nature of who they are. While her book is interesting and helpful, she is a psycho-coward because nowhere does she mention the bathing suit ordeal.

I defy any woman older than 25 with a less-than-perfect figure and traces of cellulite, to stand in front of a four-way mirror lighted by industrial strength, fluorescents, surrounded by pricey bathing suits the size of a newborn’s diaper, to feel supremely confident. In her book, Carol describes, in great detail, the four basic types of women:

1. Bright, Animated

2. Subtle and Soft

3. Rich, Dynamic

4. Bold and Striking

In reading all the descriptions, including the kind of childhood you had, although the author states that you really can be only one type, I felt I fell squarely between a bright and animated and a rich and dynamic. I have always favored colorful classics made distinctive by their good fabrics and tailoring details, but my age and additional weight have added considerations I did not have to think about in my 30s and 40s.

Perhaps my new, basic style would best be described as “Matronly Optimistic.” Men and their personality types are never mentioned; perhaps it is because all the retired men I know fit nicely into one classification:

1. Casual to Sloppy

Val has never had to concern himself about dressing to reflect his inner persona. Indeed, he doesn’t even worry as I do about what to wear for a special occasion, planned for, say, late September. My self-conversation in front of my closet dismisses the good white dress as too summery, the black sleeveless as ideal, but we could be seated under an air-conditioning vent and I’ll get chilblains, and the turquoise sheath with jacket is getting tight in the hips and anyway the matching shoes hurt my feet.

Val, an hour before the event, will pull out of the plastic garment bag his navy jacket and khaki trousers and never even get upset over the fact that all the other men at the event will be wearing the exact same thing.

Although I seldom buy clothes that I don’t like or rarely wear, for women who haven’t as yet, developed a personal style, Carol Tuttle’s book offers a lot more practical advice than the “What Not to Wear” television show or the several-hundred-dollar-a-day closet experts.

For more, go to Carol Tuttle’s http://dressingyourtruth.com/.

I'm reading: Contemplating the next bathing suit sends chills down the spine

Being happy takes a little practice, says one professor

Although I consider myself a generally optimistic and happy type of personality, life at the moment, with a frail and failing husband, is more difficult than it has been for many years. Thus, the chance to hear a talk entitled “Finding Happiness is Easier than You Think” by Jack Gesino propelled me into New Haven to the Graduate Club, despite the problem of finding a parking place near its busy location on Elm Street.

Prepared to park several blocks away, I drove up Elm when out of the corner of one astonished eye, I spied an ample space directly in front of the club. Plunking the requisite quarters into the meter, I already was radiating happiness as I went to the meeting, hosted by the Interagency Council on Aging.

Gesino, professor of social work at Southern Connecticut State University and coordinator of mental health services for Masonicare (weighty titles for his short, energetic frame), claims that despite being under stress, we can be happy, and if we practice being happy, stress will not be as overwhelming nor will it last as long.

One of the key ingredients is the psychology of possibility.

Patients who are told their cancer is “cured” live longer than those told their cancer is in “remission,” because one statement closes off the possibility of hope.

Other research has shown that for the same reason, 40 percent of the time, placebos work as well as some medications. While labels like Alzheimer’s, cancer and old age are necessary to organize our thoughts, trouble begins when they determine how we think.

We often pay more attention to negative feelings than to positive ones and forget to look for the small good, each and every day. Learning to choose to be happy requires as much intention and effort as losing weight, according to Gesino. Some of the work required:

-Practice gratitude and optimism every day. Make a daily list of things to be grateful for and try to look on the bright side of every situation.

-Avoid social comparisons. There will always be those who “seem” better off.

-Practice acts of kindness and be involved in social relationships. Studies show that volunteering is associated with diminished depression and increased self-worth.

-Develop coping strategies. An important one is “mindfulness” or living in the moment. Gratitude is not taking things for granted.

-Savoring, which is the deliberate attention to the experience of pleasure. Savor has a past, present and future because we can derive pleasure from past experiences and use them as reserves for a later resource.

-Find the humor in situations and laugh often. Laughter is contagious and signals understanding and shared pleasure. It is an instant vacation.

-Know what makes you happy. Be excited about what you do. Smile.

Gesino recommends the book “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman. I also found “How We Choose to be Happy” by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks to have many good ideas.

On the way home that day, I had two interesting experiences. At Stop & Shop, on a long line, I offered to allow the lady in back of me who had only a few groceries, to go ahead of me. She thanked me profusely, which did indeed make me feel good.

As I was loading my heavy grocery bags and even heavier cat litter into the trunk of the car, a gentleman returning his shopping cart stopped and, unrequested, gave me a hand. Thanking him, I explained I had just done a favor for a woman in line and this must be my “repayment” and now something good would come to him in turn.

He smiled and said, “Well, it never hurts to have some good karma out there working for you.” I couldn’t think of a better phrase to sum up my thoughts about a key ingredient to being happy. Like the song says, “Make someone happy ... make just one person happy ... and you will be happy, too.”

I'm reading: Being happy takes a little practice, says one professor

Remembering the guys who gave us so much

We remember our mothers several times each year: Mother’s Day, of course, Easter, Valentine’s Day and on her birthday. Somehow, Dad is either forgotten or perhaps, just taken for granted. Then, suddenly it’s Father’s Day and what to buy for good old Dad to show that although most of the year he’s definitely in the background in the family order of things, you really do think he’s pretty terrific.

Would a new tie send the right message? While many men depend on the fair sex to select their ties, in many companies nowadays, open-necked shirts or even sports shirts are the uniform, so I think ties as a gift are definitely passé. As to cuff links, they are now only worn on the most formal of occasions and Dad already has plenty of key chains, wallets, cologne and travel alarm clocks. Socks and underwear ... now really ... for a gift?

Which leaves taking him to dinner or a show, tickets to his favorite sporting event or perhaps the latest electronic device (if you know his taste and Dad’s capabilities with doodads). Dads are notoriously difficult to buy for; maybe that’s why they remain quietly forgotten.

We are, after all, a nation of consumers and we celebrate all holidays and occasions by purchasing something, often for ourselves as well as the person or occasion being celebrated.

Additionally, fathers are no longer the undisputed head of the household. In the delightful play, “Life with Father” everything revolved around the father, Clarence Day, and any variance from his absolute word was done via good-natured ploys and schemes behind his back by the rest of the family.

In times past, father was the sole breadwinner and thus the sole authority. Women’s presence and success in the workforce has definitely shifted that balance of power. It is worth noting that our current and a recent president were both raised by single mothers. There is no question, however, that family stability and good family dynamics are greatly enhanced by the presence of a stable, caring father.

As an only child, I was included in the activities of grown-ups at a very young age. My father had only a few rules, but those were definite and inflexible. The most important life lesson he conveyed to me was to never judge a person by their wealth, education, color of their skin, religion or their sex.

He felt that as a girl or a woman, I could do anything. I recall how angry he became and how he risked his own job with the phone company by supporting the women who went on strike at the company because they were denied many of the positions reserved for “family men.”

So to you Dads who (despite this column) are gifted with an awful floral tie or cologne that smells like old rubber tires, or feel forgotten this Father’s Day, keep on with the difficult job of being a father.

Years later, things that you said, or most especially, things that you did, will bear fruit. I may have sometimes forgotten Dad on this, his day, but his influence which came from the kind of person he was, has remained with me, every day of my life.

I'm reading: Remembering the guys who gave us so much