Would it surprise and shock you to learn that there are more than 4,000 known victims of domestic violence per year in our small state? And, incidents of domestic violence which involve acts of abuse against another person in order to gain power and control, is on the increase with victims of every age, race, gender, sexual orientation and economic status.
The encouraging news is that Connecticut has an extensive and varied system of prevention and help to combat this problem.
At a most-informative, three-hour workshop held recently at the Guilford Women and Family Life Center, I listened to several experts in the field. Local policemen and women who are trained to answer domestic violence calls and counselors at the Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, spoke about the complex process of recognizing and then helping, when domestic violence occurs.
While 85 percent of the domestic violence victims are women, no one deserves to be hit, beaten, threatened, humiliated or otherwise subjected to physical or emotional harm. Teen-agers who are inexperienced in handling relationships can be especially vulnerable as can elders who may be financially and physically dependent on caregivers. And because our culture is so couples oriented, many people would rather be in any relationship, than be alone.
Some warning signs demonstrated by abusive people:
-Destructive criticism. Verbal attacks such as name calling, yelling, mocking and swearing.
-Pressure Tactics. Rushing decisions, “guilt-tripping,” sulking, manipulating the children, withholding money.
-Disrespect and emotional withholding. Not listening and responding; giving the “silent treatment,” interrupting, putting the person down in front of others. Not expressing feelings, not giving compliments, support or attention.
-Abusing trust. Lying, withholding information, cheating or being overly jealous.
-Breaking promises. Refusing to help, maintaining economic control, interfering with or not allowing the other person to work, taking their money, car keys, etc.
-Self-destructive. Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm.
-Isolation. Preventing person from seeing friends or relatives, monitoring phone calls, telling you where you may or may not go.
-Harassment. Uninvited calls or visits, checking on you, embarrassing you in public.
-Neglect. Ignoring personal care and health needs. Withholding medicine, abandonment for extended periods.
-Minimizing, denying and blaming. Making light of their behavior, saying the abuse didn’t happen or saying you caused it.
Even if violence doesn’t happen often, it remains as a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Children who witness domestic violence in their home are at risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.
Unfortunately, although it may be hard for others to understand, victims of domestic violence often have great difficulty leaving the relationship with an average of leaving seven times before going for good.
They have also usually called the police or the local domestic violence agency on numerous occasions before taking action. Now, however, the laws have changed. Before 1986, the victim had to press charges.
A case in Torrington brought about an important change when, after constant cries for help, a wife had her throat slashed. Today, if a woman shows signs of physical abuse, the police must take immediate action; with family violence arrests getting the next scheduled court date, usually the following day. The police may also now set the conditions for the abusers release.
Employees of the local domestic violence agency play an important and difficult role; they are the only ones with whom a conversation may remain completely confidential. They try to help victims with safety issues — not who was right or wrong.
Many women regret it if a partner is arrested; they are ashamed in front of the neighbors, worried about payment of bills, child care and the effect on the children, and they only want their partner to get help. Others fear for their safety and need a place to stay. There are confidential emergency shelters where battered women and children may stay for up to 60 days.
Here in Connecticut, there is help whether the abused individual is a teenager in a bad relationship, a family in turmoil or an elderly person dependent on care from the abuser. The 24-hour hot line for Domestic Services of Greater New Haven is 203-789-8104. You may remain anonymous if you so desire and only speak to someone with whom you wish to have a helping conversation. The Elder Abuse Hotline is 1-800-677-1116, and the Elderly Protective Care Services number is 203-974-8027.
Sandra Koorejian, the director of Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, says that everyone can help stop abuse by supporting prevention and education programs and speaking out against the violence in our advertising, music, television, Internet games and movies. All too often in our society, violence is seen as an acceptable way to solve problems.
Be sure to take the opportunity to see the movie, “Telling Amy’s Story,” a documentary about a domestic violence homicide — followed by a discussion with a panel of experts on Oct. 27 from 7-9 at the Guilford Free Library, 67 Park St., Guilford.
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