What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork” — Pearl Bailey
This Tuesday, Valentine’s Day, we are reminded that every song, every poem, every novel and painting ever created is, in some way, “about love.” Pining for love, obsessed with love, mourning for a lost love.
Oscar Wilde felt that “falling in love was the triumph of hope over self-love; hoping that we will not find in the other what we know is in ourselves: the laziness, dishonesty, compromise and stupidity. We decide everything about the other will be free of all our faults and we infuse them with a perfection that eludes ourselves.”
A surprise best seller is a book written by a relatively unknown religious leader, Gary Chapman. In his “The 5 Love Languages,” Chapman explains that we need to express love in ways our spouses can understand. They are:
Words of affirmation (Compliments that build your mate’s self-image and confidence).
Quality time together (Focus on one another).
Gifts (Even small gifts send a powerful message).
Acts of service (Finding special things to help that person).
Physical touch (A squeeze of the hand, a kiss on the cheek).
But the expert on why we love is biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has studied the mind’s blend of neurochemistry and storytelling — the neurotransmitters that cause us to feel certain emotions. And she outlines the three components of love, each involving different but connected brain systems:
Lust or the craving for sexual gratification when we are searching for love; attraction characterized by energy and elation, euphoria when things are going well and mood swings when they are not, focused attention and obsessive thinking about one individual; and lastly, attachment which leads to a long-term relationship and hopefully, a sense of calm, peace and stability.
Fisher has found that although women no longer need to marry for security or social position and there are fewer “arranged marriages” in all cultures, we are capable of experiencing romantic love at the same time we are attached and committed to someone else, which can lead to jealousy, love affairs and divorce.
While Valentine’s Day is about romantic love, the kind that the song says, “I would live, kill and die for love,” there are many other kinds of love. The caring, nurturing love that parents have for their children, the deep friendship love we share with a special few people, the self-sacrificing love of country; and lastly, but very important, is a love of self. We must love ourselves before we can give love to others.
Life coach Millie Grenough, author of “Oasis in the Overwhelm,” suggests you tune into your marvelous channel and write yourself a love note, mentioning several things you appreciate about yourself.
So much has been and will continue to be written about love, but here are a few of my favorites:
“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.” — Sam Keen
“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” — John Bulwer
“Falling in love is so hard on the knees.” — Aerosmith
“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” — James Thurber
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.” — Helen Keller
- Article by Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions. Contact her at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.
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