In last week’s column, I wrote about a book that suggested a monthly calendar of activities for the next year to increase your happiness. Sure enough, I’ve just come across another recently published book, this one by Todd Patkin, suggests you should make 2014 the Year of the Quitter, and why stopping these 12 habits will make it your best year yet. So in the interest of fairness and diversity of opinion, from Patkin’s “Finding Happiness,” here are some suggestions for the new year.
Give up on relationships — the ones that aren’t working. Some people drain your energy, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t get along with them. Others are negative and wear you down. This could be the year when you make plans to avoid those people.
Stop being so nice. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of in order to please someone else, it’s time to stop. Dishonest politeness never developed sincere relationships. Having a smaller number of true friends is healthier than trying to make everyone like you.
Stop working so hard. Think about balance in your life, instead of a new height in your career. Being a workaholic can bury you in stress, anxiety and depression. Achievement doesn’t always equal happiness.
Lower the bar. You may be shocked to learn that you probably expect too much of yourself. Whether the issue is your appearance, your house, your family or your job, you try for perfection. And on top of that, you most likely focus on what you do wrong. This year, it is time to realize that you are only human, and thus fallible, so sometimes you will mess up. Lower your expectations and celebrate your successes.
Ignore the Joneses. In America, we are constantly comparing ourselves to our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers and even people we see on TV. Constant comparisons only leave you feeling jealous and unhappy. Don’t use another person’s life as a measuring stick to determine how good your own is.
Don’t focus on your spouse. As a partner in love and life, you should be your spouse’s biggest supporter and coach, but don’t let that blind you to your own needs and responsibilities. Stop focusing only on your spouse, and figure out what will make you happy. If spending all of your time and energy on your spouse or on others is the norm, you need to figure out what is important to you and do what fulfills you. You can’t live your life primarily to please others.
Stop pushing your kids so hard. As parents, we really care about our kids and want them to have the best possible futures, but too much pressure can cause children of any age to burn out and make self-destructive decisions. It is crucial to remember that success and happiness aren’t the same thing. Love your children for who they are, not for how may A’s they get. And forget “quality time” with your kids. You can’t make up for working 70-hour weeks by taking a trip to Disney World. Life is found in the everyday moments. Kids are perceptive: They can tell if they always take second place in your life.
I guess the reason for the popularity of the numerous books on finding happiness and aging well is that it is human nature to want to become better, not just older, and a new year presents a new opportunity. One of my favorite quotes on that subject is from Barbara Kingsolver, who said, “The hardest part will be to convince yourself of the possibilities, and hang on. If you run out of hope at the end of the day, to rise in the morning and put it on again, with your shoes.”
Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St., Apt. 510, Branford, 06405.
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