Working as a senior adviser, I often remind adult children of aging parents
that they are “caregivers in waiting,” and that they should have a conversation
with their parents about planning for the future.
But as an aging parent
myself, I also realize that sometimes seniors brush off our relatives’ attempts
to learn about our finances, plans for emergencies and illness and our wishes
for how we want to be treated as life nears its end.
It is unsettling to
experience the role reversal that occurs when our children take on the role of
parent, but it is only by sharing the plans we have made and making additional
plans with those who will eventually become responsible for our well being that
we can avoid unnecessary stress and heartache later. Plan for the worst, but
expect the best is not a bad mantra to go by.
Knowing you have many of
the “what ifs” that occur with aging taken care of is a stress reliever for both
you and your loved ones. Another excellent reason to do your planning with
family members now is that all too often I hear of bitter arguments among
siblings as to what Mom or Dad would have wanted. No one is sure and now their
parent is too ill or too incapacitated to make his or her wishes known.
I also know that well-meaning relatives, and even professionals, can
sometimes say things in a very condescending manner that makes seniors feel
their opinion is of no value.
By taking the initiative and asking the
family to become involved, we can avoid the worried “what should we do about Mom
(or Dad)” conversations behind our back.
First and foremost, everyone
should seek the advice of an elder law attorney and have both a will and a
document called a living will, which is an expression of your end-of-life wishes
as well as how many different “support services” you may want. Equally
important, it names a person who will know and carry out these wishes for you if
you should become unable to express yourself. Both of these documents can be
changed by you if your circumstances or wishes change.
Family members
should know where these and other important documents — such as bank statements,
savings, birth certificates, insurance policies and deeds to the house — are
kept.
There also needs to be an honest discussion about where you will
live if you can no longer manage in your own home. The time to look at
assisted-living and continuing-care communities is before the need arises. They
are, I feel, a wonderful lifestyle for those who can afford them.
Some
families are able to live together in harmony, but for others, the eventual care
of a sick parent can become an overwhelming burden. Additionally, family
dynamics have undergone major changes. There are now more divorced older people,
causing uncertain medical and pension benefits. Parents and children do not
always live near one another and rules can vary greatly from state to state.
We all plan for some major life changes like going away to school, the first job, marriage, the birth of a child, yet the process of aging is often not talked about or prepared for.
Since Monday is April Fool’s Day, I’ll take the liberty of rewording the saying: “There’s no fool like an old fool who has made no plans for his or her own aging.”
Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at 101 Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.
