Although I consider myself a generally optimistic and happy type of personality, life at the moment, with a frail and failing husband, is more difficult than it has been for many years. Thus, the chance to hear a talk entitled “Finding Happiness is Easier than You Think” by Jack Gesino propelled me into New Haven to the Graduate Club, despite the problem of finding a parking place near its busy location on Elm Street.
Prepared to park several blocks away, I drove up Elm when out of the corner of one astonished eye, I spied an ample space directly in front of the club. Plunking the requisite quarters into the meter, I already was radiating happiness as I went to the meeting, hosted by the Interagency Council on Aging.
Gesino, professor of social work at Southern Connecticut State University and coordinator of mental health services for Masonicare (weighty titles for his short, energetic frame), claims that despite being under stress, we can be happy, and if we practice being happy, stress will not be as overwhelming nor will it last as long.
One of the key ingredients is the psychology of possibility.
Patients who are told their cancer is “cured” live longer than those told their cancer is in “remission,” because one statement closes off the possibility of hope.
Other research has shown that for the same reason, 40 percent of the time, placebos work as well as some medications. While labels like Alzheimer’s, cancer and old age are necessary to organize our thoughts, trouble begins when they determine how we think.
We often pay more attention to negative feelings than to positive ones and forget to look for the small good, each and every day. Learning to choose to be happy requires as much intention and effort as losing weight, according to Gesino. Some of the work required:
-Practice gratitude and optimism every day. Make a daily list of things to be grateful for and try to look on the bright side of every situation.
-Avoid social comparisons. There will always be those who “seem” better off.
-Practice acts of kindness and be involved in social relationships. Studies show that volunteering is associated with diminished depression and increased self-worth.
-Develop coping strategies. An important one is “mindfulness” or living in the moment. Gratitude is not taking things for granted.
-Savoring, which is the deliberate attention to the experience of pleasure. Savor has a past, present and future because we can derive pleasure from past experiences and use them as reserves for a later resource.
-Find the humor in situations and laugh often. Laughter is contagious and signals understanding and shared pleasure. It is an instant vacation.
-Know what makes you happy. Be excited about what you do. Smile.
Gesino recommends the book “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman. I also found “How We Choose to be Happy” by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks to have many good ideas.
On the way home that day, I had two interesting experiences. At Stop & Shop, on a long line, I offered to allow the lady in back of me who had only a few groceries, to go ahead of me. She thanked me profusely, which did indeed make me feel good.
As I was loading my heavy grocery bags and even heavier cat litter into the trunk of the car, a gentleman returning his shopping cart stopped and, unrequested, gave me a hand. Thanking him, I explained I had just done a favor for a woman in line and this must be my “repayment” and now something good would come to him in turn.
He smiled and said, “Well, it never hurts to have some good karma out there working for you.” I couldn’t think of a better phrase to sum up my thoughts about a key ingredient to being happy. Like the song says, “Make someone happy ... make just one person happy ... and you will be happy, too.”
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