We're so busy, and our precious human connections wither

Growing up, my parents always stressed the importance of being self-reliant.
Additionally, as an only child, there was no other sibling to whom I could turn in times of stress or trouble or from whom I could seek advice. While I was in the habit of writing long letters to my parents during the time Val and I lived overseas, I never discussed any concerns or worries.

When I had my own children, without realizing it, I passed on the same message of "don't complain, solve your own problems". Perhaps this pattern wouldn't have become so entrenched if my children lived close by, but two of them live on the West Coast. Recently I saw my daughter, Marianne, for a few precious days and I became aware, again, how difficult it is to really, really know and understand what is happening in someone else's life if in addition to only seeing them occasionally, the rest of the time you are in touch, you don't feel free to discuss major concerns.

We had a lovely, busy time together, but I don't really know what the major concerns in her life are, n'or am I able to share the many worries getting older causes me. I did manage to express that I felt it was very important that we make the time to see one another more often and she agreed. It will take a lot of effort on both our parts as she travels extensively in her work, and I am also overly busy much of the time, but I have decided I must make it a priority in my life from now on.

In my work, counseling and helping seniors when they are making a move, a pivotal and stressful time in anyone's life, I have learned to do what I failed to do for my own family and that is to not be judgemental if they feel overwhelmed and to also help them find their own solutions, rather than rushing in with "instant" advice.

Sometimes, people are able to resolve problems for themselves; what they need is for someone else to be a caring, sympathetic, listener.

How often does a spouse come home to hear, "How was your day?" but then he or she realizes that their partner expects a one word answer and is not ready to really listen to the major problems or triumphs of the day just gone by. Too many families have televisions in every room, constantly competing for attention and taking away the opportunity for human conversation.

It is not unusual to attend a lecture or a movie and see many in the audience engaged with a device in their lap; half-listening to the speaker while they text a friend or receive messages. Seeing my daughter again after many months and relishing her every word and gesture, also made me realize how important it is to not take friends who are nearby, for granted, but to really listen and be engaged fully when I am with them.

"To listen fully is to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the music, but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Develop deeper silences in yourself so you can hear beneath another's words to their meaning." - Peter Senge

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St. Apt. 510 Branford, 06405.

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