A wonderfully kind gesture got this whole thing started

Something very special happened to me last week, and it caused me to think about, then research and write this column. After taking Val to get his hair cut, I suggested we treat ourselves to lunch. We chose Humphrey’s, a bar-and-grill-type restaurant that was nearby, but where we had never eaten previously.

Since I was able to park immediately in front and there were no steps to navigate, I asked Val if he thought he could manage to get to a table without my usual routine of taking the folding wheelchair out of the car trunk, unfolding it, and wheeling him inside.

He agreed and we proceeded into Humphrey’s with Val’s arm around my shoulder, both of us with knees buckling until we made it to the nearest table. Once there, we gratefully collapsed. I hadn’t noticed a young couple seated in a booth across from us, but apparently they had observed us. We ate our lunch, and upon requesting the check, the waitress advised us in a conspiratorial whisper, “The couple that had been seated across from you paid your check and wishes you a merry Christmas.”

I was flabbergasted. They hadn’t even stayed so we could either refuse or thank them.

That evening and the next day, I kept turning over in my mind what that unexpected act of generosity had meant to me: The warm holiday glow and renewed belief in the goodness of most people that it had instilled, and I began to research acts of random kindness.

One of the first things I found was a documentary film, “A Passion for Giving.” The directorial debut of Robin Baker Leacock, it features the selfless efforts of generous individuals, addressing the achievements of many people who did not have a lot of money. It also makes the point that practicing compassion is as beneficial to the donor as to the recipient.

From the film, I also learned that Meals on Wheels, which helps so many Connecticut seniors, was started in New York in 1981 by New York magazine food critic Gael Greene and chef James Beard. They initially raised $35,000 to cover 6,000 Christmas dinners for folks who otherwise would have gone without. Now, Meals on Wheels delivers more than 2 million meals each year.

When I mentioned my lunch experience to my neighbor, she said her granddaughter had just seen a movie on HBO called, “Pay It Forward.” Checking the reviews of that film, based on a book by Catherine Ryan Hyde, I found that although some felt it dragged and was too schmaltzy, all agreed that the idea about a young boy, inspired by his teacher, to help three people to make the world a better place and then to ask them to each help three others, to in effect, “pay it forward,” was in itself, inspiring. Since the film stars Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey, two of my favorite actors, I plan to rent it and decide for myself.

Finally on the HelpOthers.Org website, here’s just a sampling from something called a Smile Deck of Cards.

Clubs: For People You Know

2 of clubs: Leave a snack for an unsuspecting co-worker or friend

3 of clubs: Give a friend your favorite book

(This continues to the ace of clubs, which is to call a mentor and thank them.)

Hearts: For Unknown People

2 of hearts: Hide spare change where a stranger will find it.

3 of hearts: Tell public service employee how valuable they are. (This continues to the end of the suit with knock on neighborhood doors with a snack.)

Lastly, spades suggests things to do for our world, and diamonds offers things to do to create happiness for yourself. In this category, I will be looking for the opportunity to be an “unknown giver” and pass on the wonderful warm feelings that unknown couple gifted to me.

Merry Christmas, dear friends and readers.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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You're invited on a holiday shopping spree in Branford, Guilford and Madison

For those of you who still have some holiday purchases to make, here’s a run-down of some good sources with a few extra-special items that caught this shopper’s eye.

When I have time to make the trip, the Westfarms Mall is a treat. In addition to Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Macy’s and JCPenney, there are so many excellent smaller chains and specialty shops and for the well heeled, Louis Vuitton and Tiffany’s.

While I enjoyed browsing the mall, I find that I am much more likely to find that unique gift in the excellent smaller shops we are so fortunate to have in New Haven and on the Shoreline.

One of my favorite shops is Details in Guilford. Absolutely everything the owner selects is elegant and in exquisite taste. Stunning floral glass decoupage platters were a find at $29, stainless cheese implement sets done up with a red ribbon were just $18, while $10 buys huge bars of special soaps and exquisite ceramic candy dishes that looked far more expensive than their $39 price tag.

A thought for future winter wedding gifts was the most stunning ice bucket I’ve ever seen anywhere and knockout silver salad servers with glowing ceramic handles. This store also beautifully wraps all your purchases.

Swish, with shops in Guilford and Branford, has some nice jewelry and accessories as well as a collection of useful Longchamps handbags in various sizes and colors.

Lulu’s in Guilford features soft, fluffy blankets and sweaters that would please any environmentalist on your shopping list as they are made from bamboo and polyester and are as soft as the maker’s name, “Barefoot Dreams.”

Arabella on Branford’s Main Street has a good selection of costume jewelry, lovely scarves (very much in fashion again this year) and a large choice of unusual handbags for every day or evening wear.

On the Post Road in Branford at Pier One, I spotted stunning red lacquer trays for only $10 and festive dinner bells at the same price. Colorful cordial sets on their own small tray were $29.

On to Madison where the festive Boston Post Road features too many lovely shops to mention here — just park your car and start browsing. Not to be missed, however, is the deservedly well-known, R.J. Julia Booksellers. The staff is knowledgeable and full of suggestions for finding just the right book. Also featured are unique cards and gift items, and you can also take a break in their delightful cafe.

I spotted a photo book on “Shelter Cats” and wanted to adopt each and every adorable one. Nora Ephron’s latest, “I Remember Nothing,” a humorous account of getting older, would make a great gift. I curled up in one of the store’s easy chairs to skim through Ken Jackson’s wonderful, just out, 1,433-page, “Encyclopedia of New York City.”

My last stop in Madison, 28 Durham Road, is a large, glass-windowed shop called Savvy Tea Gourmet. The owners are truly passionate about tea and carry an extensive selection of great teas and all the possible accessories that go into the making of an outstanding cup of tea.

There are wonderful pots from Japan known as Kabuki and Kyoto pots, a Big Ben teapot from, of course, London and show-worthy silver tea canisters for only $10.99. I had to treat myself to a “tea-for-one” set that is perfect for my bedtime tea and a cookie habit.

A very special opportunity to visit this unusual shop occurs from 5-7 p.m. Monday, when the Shoreline Eldercare Alliance is hosting a Holiday Open House featuring information on healthy aging, food tastings, raffle items, hypnotherapy, chair massage and a talk on the health benefits of tea. Hope to see you there.

Meanwhile, good luck finding that special gift for your special someone. And don’t forget that even a small remembrance is a way to thank the people who have helped to brighten your life this past year.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

I'm reading: You're invited on a holiday shopping spree in Branford, Guilford and Madison

Bah humbug to those holiday trappings we step in every year

Less than three weeks until Christmas, and while it is fun to anticipate and plan for the holidays, there are a few pre-holiday “happenings” I would happily forgo:

-5 a.m. store openings and “door buster” specials. These must appeal to people who value acquisitiveness over tradition, and for whom saving on a new television, Kindle or iPhone is more important than quality time with friends and family. Perhaps, instead of an orgy of spending to celebrate what is essentially a religious holiday, more of us might consider “alternative giving” in which the giver makes a donation to a charitable organization in the recipient’s name, an idea originated by none other than Benjamin Franklin.

-Wrapping paper and gift cards that arrive unsolicited in the mail. This year, I have promised myself that I will not allow feelings of guilt over stuff I didn’t ask for and won’t use to dictate the donations I decide to make.

-Announcements from your “friendly” bank or credit card company advising you by way of 10 sheets of tissue thin paper covered with microscopic legal pronouncements that in the coming year, they are making changes in their accounting or credit policies to which, after consulting an attorney to decipher, you may consent to agree or disagree.

-Store coupons and free shipping offers that arrive in catalogs that have expired before the postman delivers them.

-Christmas songs on the radio, television, in department stores, malls and supermarkets, which start being played before I’ve even finished eating the Thanksgiving leftovers. At the risk of sounding like Mrs. Scrooge, by the time Christmas arrives, I want to throw eggnog at anyone singing, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”

-The overuse of words like “Wow” and “Must Haves” in advertising supplements. As a former advertising copywriter, I know there are better descriptive words.

-E-mail greetings. The Internet and e-mail is certainly a useful tool, but if you are sending holiday or other occasion greetings, take the time to send a letter or a card or make a telephone call. While anything less may save you time, it makes this recipient feel as though you don’t really care. Ditto for the rarely heard from friend or relative who every year makes a courtesy call and proclaims, “We must get together after the holidays.” If you really want to see me, suggest a definite date — I’ll make every effort to arrange to meet you.

Statistical Reasons to simplify the holiday season

1. The average household in the U.S. spends about $1,700 on Christmas.

2. The average weight gain over the holidays is about 1 pound, which is not lost over the rest of the year. Thus, 10 years equals 10 additional pounds.

3. A recent survey concluded that shopping caused headaches in nearly a quarter of the people questioned and sleeplessness in 11 percent.

4. Americans throw away 25 percent more trash during the holidays than at other times of the year.

5. Holidays are a time of elevated risk for fires and alcohol-related traffic accidents.

Let’s all make every effort to have a sane, safe and meaningful holiday.

Contact Jean Cherni, founder of the retirement advisory service, Senior Living Solutions, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 15 The Ponds at Hotchkiss Grove, Branford 06405.

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Fond memories sustain as holiday traditions fade

This was the first Thanksgiving in many years that Val and I spent by ourselves. Formerly, Thanksgiving was the holiday I traditionally hosted for all the family members who live near enough to come.

Preparations would start several days in advance and entailed adding a leaf to our already large dining room table, pressing the banquet-size linen tablecloth and napkins, polishing the silver, creating flower arrangements, preparing the guest room and, of course, cooking the turkey and all the traditional foods that accompany the bird.

Now, the dining room set has been banished to the basement, and in its place is Val’s hospital bed. Meals are in our cheerful, but small kitchen breakfast area. I did make a small turkey and tried not to miss the warm feelings of being surrounded by family and the excitement in the air that the start of the holiday season brings; but, of course, I did even though I know I will see some of the family at Christmas.

I am glad, however, that in the past, I went to the trouble (and it is a lot of work and effort) to create the memorable Thanksgiving holidays the family shared and enjoyed over the years. Looking at the photographs of holidays past and recalling the laughter and affection filling the house is a way I can still savor the moments.

It has also made me keenly aware of the importance of memories and the necessity of trying each day, in the here and now, of creating new ones.

As Val’s frailty has increased, certain memories have become clouded; accentuated no doubt, by the numerous medications he now must take. I never before realized how most couples develop a sort of “joint memory” with each one depending on the other to be responsible for the storing of certain facts.

Val was the keeper of records; from tax forms to insurance costs to what size light bulb was needed inside the refrigerator. Additionally, he usually could come up with the possible places I might have left my keys or glasses. The lessening of this ability to be my memory partner is difficult for me to accept, and I sometimes feel angry and betrayed when I must do the taxes or figure out how to replace the furnace filter — all information that was stored with him.

I was the repository for family birthdays, the children’s likes and dislikes in everything from food to books, who had what illness and when, as well as social and vacation planning. Our oldest son, Mike, is the “go-to” family memory keeper for anything to do with computers or medical research and, of course, our daughter, Marianne, remembers and reminds me of every mistake I ever made as a mother. We even depend on people outside our families to be memory keepers.

My friend, Joan Summa, is my reliable source for who was in what play or movie, while travel companion Barbara Borchardt is often asked to rack her brain for the name of that small cafe in Paris or the hotel where we stayed in Marrakech.

For couples, however, who depend on this joint memory on a daily basis, it is what makes death or divorce especially painful; some bereft partners even suffer from depression or cognitive dysfunction.

Cultivating memories can be a special challenge with families so busy and spread out. It can, however, be as simple as sending a collection of old photographs or writing a loving letter to a family member you haven’t seen or talked to in awhile.

Nowadays, so much changes so fast that it is even more important to create memories so that we have a sense of stability and continuance. May you build many happy memories for the future in the way you plan and celebrate the holiday season.

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