Todd Patkin’s ‘Finding Happiness’ wants us to stop being so nice in ’14

In last week’s column, I wrote about a book that suggested a monthly calendar of activities for the next year to increase your happiness. Sure enough, I’ve just come across another recently published book, this one by Todd Patkin, suggests you should make 2014 the Year of the Quitter, and why stopping these 12 habits will make it your best year yet. So in the interest of fairness and diversity of opinion, from Patkin’s “Finding Happiness,” here are some suggestions for the new year.

Give up on relationships — the ones that aren’t working. Some people drain your energy, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t get along with them. Others are negative and wear you down. This could be the year when you make plans to avoid those people.

Stop being so nice. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of in order to please someone else, it’s time to stop. Dishonest politeness never developed sincere relationships. Having a smaller number of true friends is healthier than trying to make everyone like you.

Stop working so hard. Think about balance in your life, instead of a new height in your career. Being a workaholic can bury you in stress, anxiety and depression. Achievement doesn’t always equal happiness.

Lower the bar. You may be shocked to learn that you probably expect too much of yourself. Whether the issue is your appearance, your house, your family or your job, you try for perfection. And on top of that, you most likely focus on what you do wrong. This year, it is time to realize that you are only human, and thus fallible, so sometimes you will mess up. Lower your expectations and celebrate your successes.

Ignore the Joneses. In America, we are constantly comparing ourselves to our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers and even people we see on TV. Constant comparisons only leave you feeling jealous and unhappy. Don’t use another person’s life as a measuring stick to determine how good your own is.

Don’t focus on your spouse. As a partner in love and life, you should be your spouse’s biggest supporter and coach, but don’t let that blind you to your own needs and responsibilities. Stop focusing only on your spouse, and figure out what will make you happy. If spending all of your time and energy on your spouse or on others is the norm, you need to figure out what is important to you and do what fulfills you. You can’t live your life primarily to please others.

Stop pushing your kids so hard. As parents, we really care about our kids and want them to have the best possible futures, but too much pressure can cause children of any age to burn out and make self-destructive decisions. It is crucial to remember that success and happiness aren’t the same thing. Love your children for who they are, not for how may A’s they get. And forget “quality time” with your kids. You can’t make up for working 70-hour weeks by taking a trip to Disney World. Life is found in the everyday moments. Kids are perceptive: They can tell if they always take second place in your life.

I guess the reason for the popularity of the numerous books on finding happiness and aging well is that it is human nature to want to become better, not just older, and a new year presents a new opportunity. One of my favorite quotes on that subject is from Barbara Kingsolver, who said, “The hardest part will be to convince yourself of the possibilities, and hang on. If you run out of hope at the end of the day, to rise in the morning and put it on again, with your shoes.”

Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St., Apt. 510, Branford, 06405.

I'm reading: Todd Patkin’s ‘Finding Happiness’ wants us to stop being so nice in ’14

Give Henry S. Miller’s ‘The Serious Pursuit of Happiness’ calendar a try

There is something about the start of a new year that makes us want to do better; we make resolutions to improve, to work harder, exercise more, be neater and eat less. Henry S. Miller’s “The Serious Pursuit of Happiness” suggests that instead of resolutions, we amp up our happiness each and every month by creating a “happiness calendar,” which focuses on 12 strategies that, if added to your life, will increase feelings of lasting positive emotions. Here, briefly, are some of the suggestions:


January: A Month of Hope and Plans —Write one small positive goal each morning of each day of January and a plan to make it a reality.


February: A Month of Gratitude — The best antidote to greed, envy and jealousy. We feel much happier when we are grateful for what we have, rather than envious of what we don’t. Each night, write down three things for which you are grateful: your relationships, work, family, etc.


March: Month of Kindness — Find one opportunity each day to perform some act of kindness for someone else; no matter how small, and then enjoy the feeling that you have made a difference in that person’s day.


April: A Month of Optimism — Be conscious of negative thoughts. When they occur, replace them with something positive. Develop the strategy of seeing the glass as “half full” and expecting your actions will bring good outcomes.


May: A Month of Friendships — Close relationships are known to be one of the best happiness-inducing strategies. Reach out to friends and arrange to spend time: a walk, coffee, etc., but make it a face-to-face time.


June: Month of Love — Call or write someone you love and tell them how much they mean to you.


July: A Month of Spirituality — Whether it is your own secular belief, your own private faith or an organized religion, recognize and benefit from these feelings.


August: Month of Health and Fitness — Summer is a good time to focus on health and fitness and to begin some daily regimen, even if it is just walking. Are you conscious of eating well and getting enough sleep?


September: A Month of Contribution — How can you make a positive difference in the world? What are you contributing that will last after you have gone, even if it is just planting a tree that eventually will provide shade for someone else.


October: Month of Savoring — Take the time to appreciate and enjoy the beauty of the fall colors; your daily meals, the faces of children at play… all the many things we so often take for granted.


November: A Month of Forgiveness — Are you holding lingering resentments? Write a forgiveness letter, even if you decide not to send it. Retaining anger only hurts yourself.


December: Month of Generosity — The true spirit of the season lies in the giving of our time and our financial help to those in need.


Let us welcome the promise of the New Year. Even if we accomplish only some of the suggestions in the happiness calendar, we will have increased our own happiness as well as those around us; multiplied by many people, that is no small accomplishment in making the world a better place for us all.


In ending this final column of 2013, I would like to express my gratitude for the many readers who contributed to my happiness by sharing their thoughts in their many e mails and letters. Hugs to all of you and a safe and Happy New Year to everyone.


Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St., Apt. 510, Branford, 06405.

I'm reading: Give Henry S. Miller’s ‘The Serious Pursuit of Happiness’ calendar a try

Cherished Christmas memories twinkle like so many lights on the tree

Even though my small family is no longer able to be together for the holiday, there are a few special rituals that I still embrace which makes the time special for me. I always watch the “Nutcracker” ballet on television, sometimes both the New York City as well as the London production.


I never miss seeing Dickens “A Christmas Carol,” and Alistair Sim is still my favorite Scrooge. I try to get to New York to see “the tree,” which despite the crowds always looks like something out of a storybook; a fanciful, shimmering Christmas symbol, lighting up the night and the colorful skaters on the rink below.


This year, my daughter shared that pleasure with me. Although she only had a few hours on her way to Washington on business, she met me in the city last Monday so we could enjoy the 5th Avenue windows and the Rockefeller Center tree together.


I will make time to spend a quiet afternoon re-reading Truman Capote’s brief and beautiful 27-page “A Christmas Memory,” first published in Mademoiselle magazine when Capote was in his early 30s. This story of young Buddy and his surrogate mother, cousin Sook, preparing for Christmas in a poor, rural, Alabama town, is for me, one of the most meaningful and beautiful Christmas stories ever written.


This year was probably the last of a 20-year custom Val and I enjoyed, the Christmas gathering of all the owners at the Ponds condominium … my former residence in Branford. Mark and Karen Esposito, this year’s hosts, were so thoughtful to invite me to join the group and have a chance to be with and enjoy all my special former neighbors.


I shall also make a call to my longtime Japanese friend Nobu in Yokohama. While Christmas is not a religious holiday in many foreign countries, it has become an almost universal holiday. The Japanese love the glitter and glitz of Christmas, although their traditional big celebration occurs at New Year, and everyone sends good luck New Year’s cards to all their friends. It is also a time to remember and honor all your ancestors as well as pay all your debts before the year’s end.


In England, the day after Christmas, or Boxing Day, is a big holiday. I think the Australians have the right idea; it is their main annual holiday, and so schools are closed for six weeks, and everyone takes a really good vacation.


Wherever you live, in whatever country, if you are among the fortunate who are in good health, love and are loved and are free from hunger and fear, remember to be grateful and to reach out in some small way to those who are not so blessed. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and above all, Peace.


Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St., Apt. 510, Branford, 06405.

I'm reading: Cherished Christmas memories twinkle like so many lights on the tree

My Thanksgiving trip to Charleston, S.C., almost didn’t happen. Friends were to drive me to Union Station (the new departure point for the Connecticut Limo) which I was taking to go to Bradley Airport. Due to a misunderstanding, they never came to pick me up.

Even though in recent years I’ve simplified my Christmas giving, this year I find Christmas approaching at a pace I’m unable to match. At my present rate of speed, I might just be ready by Valentine’s Day.


When I downsized and moved, I did get rid of much Christmas memorabilia; still there was the small, permanently lit table tree to unpack, the few Annalee dolls and candles and the big Santa that formerly stood by the fireplace. I also bought some red poinsettia plants, and I do enjoy the holiday feeling the apartment now has.


But as yet, I haven’t been to a department store, shopping mall or mailed out one Christmas card. Who were that strange breed of folks who rushed out after Thanksgiving dinner to buy some electronic device on sale? I don’t know of anyone who did that!


I’ve received so many store coupons in the mail, I could wallpaper an entire room with them. No sooner did “Black Friday” expire, than “Friends and Family” arrived, followed by “Early Bird Specials,” close on the heels of “Blowout Sales,” which if you missed, you could still get to “Senior Day Monday.”


I could almost feel guilty for not heeding any of these urgent calls to buy, buy, buy, except that personally I feel saddened by the tendency to turn Christmas into a shopping orgy rather than a holiday with deep spiritual roots meant to gladden everyone’s heart. Where I have spent time so far, is in seeing and being with business associates and friends at various gatherings and events.


Special holiday lunches and dinners give us a chance to renew acquaintances as well as review accomplishments of the past year. My work and the many organizations to which I belong are dedicated to informing or helping seniors, and the chance to review those efforts and make plans for new ones is very rewarding.


There are so many wonderful plays, concerts, exhibits and other activities in the New Haven area and on the Shoreline that we all can enjoy if we can simplify some of the unnecessary obligations we have come to accept as part of Christmas. Although I enjoy fanciful and creative gift wrapping, this year, I am saving time by using simple gift bags for most presents. Topped with colorful tissue paper, they look pretty, are easy for me and for the recipient.


In addition to giving gift cards to restaurants or the theater, I like to shop locally; church bazaars and the Guilford Art Center always have unique and useful gifts. Even with all the above-mentioned shortcuts, I know I will run out of time so apologies in advance, if I don’t respond to your email or letter until well after the holidays.


Also know, dear reader, that I wish you joyful, stress-free days in happy anticipation of the holiday time to come. Meanwhile, Santa dear, could you slow down the reindeer, just a little bit ... Please?


Contact Jean Cherni, certified senior adviser for Senior Living Solutions and Pearce Plus, a helpful, full-service program for seniors contemplating a move, at jeancherni@sbcglobal.net or 49 Rose St., Apt. 510, Branford, 06405.

I'm reading: My Thanksgiving trip to Charleston, S.C., almost didn’t happen. Friends were to drive me to Union Station (the new departure point for the Connecticut Limo) which I was taking to go to Bradley Airport. Due to a misunderstanding, they never came to pick me up.