Welcome to the 100,000-mile marital checkup

In a recent column, I talked about professor Jack Gesino’s views on how to learn to be happy. Since then, several other articles and books on the subject have come across my desk; perhaps it is as a result of wars, natural disasters and the economy, but it seems that research on, and advice about, being happy, is the new hot topic.

A federally financed study is following about 200 couples who will take part in a yearly marriage “checkup” ... similar to your preventative dental exam, it will attempt to discover any weak spots in the relationship.

The hope is that couples can make changes in the way they communicate so that problems can be solved before they sabotage the marriage. Since this is a computer-savvy generation, it should come as no surprise to learn that there are also several online programs that offer help to couples.

One online study is based on “acceptance therapy,” which focuses on better understanding of a partner’s flaws ... a skill which I long ago acquired and at which, any of the long-married couples pictured in the pages of this paper, must surely excel.

Perhaps this should be a skill learned in pre-marriage counseling; if we were aware of all of our partner’s flaws in advance, many ill-advised marriages might never take place. As a matter of fact, perhaps it would be the final blow to marriage as an institution.

According to author and lecturer, Maggie Scarf, marriage as an institution, has changed dramatically. I had the pleasure of personally chatting with Maggie, a research specialist on senior marriages, following her talk at the Institute for Learning in Retirement’s annual luncheon.

Scarf says, “since the social ferment of the 1960s, a number of alternatives to old-fashioned marriages have emerged: sexual partners living together; out-of-wedlock births; and single-parent child-rearing. All are now more commonplace and acceptable.

“Couples enter wedlock with a more light-hearted attitude (if it doesn’t work out, I can move on) and there is now little social stigma in the wake of a divorce. Paradoxically, it seems that the only people putting up a desperate fight for the right to get married are members of the gay community.”

What Scarf did find when she revisited the couples she had interviewed 20 years previously for her “Intimate Partners” book, was that for most of these senior couples, this was the happiest period of their lives. Career and child-rearing issues were over, their emotional processing and control was improved and since they were now more fully aware of the value of time, older adults arranged their days in ways that made them happier. She has reported on these senior couples in her book, “September Songs.”

I questioned what effect the current economy and loss of work opportunities for some older couples had on the marriages and she did admit that the majority of her happy couples were professionals from the New England area and were financially well off.

One interesting physical change as we age may also be responsible for why we feel happier. According to the Lifespan Laboratory in Stanford, Calif., the stress area of aging brains loses cells while there are positive changes in the frontal area of older brains that increase our sense of well being.

If you’ve gotten this far and still wonder how your marriage is doing, Brigham Young University offers an extensive online martial assessment called Relate. It reveals a couple’s communication and conflict styles and costs less than $50. For information, go to www.relate-institute.org.

As for me, assuming the unlikely luck of finding another compatible companion, after 56 years of ups and downs, I’m sticking with what I’ve got. The thought of re-adjusting to anyone else is simply too exhausting.

I'm reading: Welcome to the 100,000-mile marital checkup

Contemplating the next bathing suit sends chills down the spine

The July 4th holiday brings picnics, parades and fireworks, but alas, it is also the official start of the bathing suit sales. Since I take an exercise swim class year-round, this is the time I must survey my bathing suit wardrobe and replace any suits that are deteriorating due to the effects of chlorine or shredding in strategic places.

This is annually the most embarrassing and thoroughly depressing procedure (second only to a colonoscopy) that I must endure.

I start by paging through the bathing suit catalogs to find out if my figure is an apple, triangle, pear or diamond. Unfortunately, it is all of these shapes with some unidentified additional problem areas.

My husband has worn the same pair of maroon trunks with drawstring waist for 10 years and his only worry are his knobby knees.

I have been trying to take solace in Carol Tuttle’s “Dressing Your Truth … Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile,” in which she states that every woman is innately beautiful. By learning your personal “Beauty Profile,” you can start dressing your truth.

Tuttle is an alternative psycho-therapist who helps to empower women to make fashion and beauty choices in harmony with their personal Beauty Profile, expressing the true nature of who they are. While her book is interesting and helpful, she is a psycho-coward because nowhere does she mention the bathing suit ordeal.

I defy any woman older than 25 with a less-than-perfect figure and traces of cellulite, to stand in front of a four-way mirror lighted by industrial strength, fluorescents, surrounded by pricey bathing suits the size of a newborn’s diaper, to feel supremely confident. In her book, Carol describes, in great detail, the four basic types of women:

1. Bright, Animated

2. Subtle and Soft

3. Rich, Dynamic

4. Bold and Striking

In reading all the descriptions, including the kind of childhood you had, although the author states that you really can be only one type, I felt I fell squarely between a bright and animated and a rich and dynamic. I have always favored colorful classics made distinctive by their good fabrics and tailoring details, but my age and additional weight have added considerations I did not have to think about in my 30s and 40s.

Perhaps my new, basic style would best be described as “Matronly Optimistic.” Men and their personality types are never mentioned; perhaps it is because all the retired men I know fit nicely into one classification:

1. Casual to Sloppy

Val has never had to concern himself about dressing to reflect his inner persona. Indeed, he doesn’t even worry as I do about what to wear for a special occasion, planned for, say, late September. My self-conversation in front of my closet dismisses the good white dress as too summery, the black sleeveless as ideal, but we could be seated under an air-conditioning vent and I’ll get chilblains, and the turquoise sheath with jacket is getting tight in the hips and anyway the matching shoes hurt my feet.

Val, an hour before the event, will pull out of the plastic garment bag his navy jacket and khaki trousers and never even get upset over the fact that all the other men at the event will be wearing the exact same thing.

Although I seldom buy clothes that I don’t like or rarely wear, for women who haven’t as yet, developed a personal style, Carol Tuttle’s book offers a lot more practical advice than the “What Not to Wear” television show or the several-hundred-dollar-a-day closet experts.

For more, go to Carol Tuttle’s http://dressingyourtruth.com/.

I'm reading: Contemplating the next bathing suit sends chills down the spine

Being happy takes a little practice, says one professor

Although I consider myself a generally optimistic and happy type of personality, life at the moment, with a frail and failing husband, is more difficult than it has been for many years. Thus, the chance to hear a talk entitled “Finding Happiness is Easier than You Think” by Jack Gesino propelled me into New Haven to the Graduate Club, despite the problem of finding a parking place near its busy location on Elm Street.

Prepared to park several blocks away, I drove up Elm when out of the corner of one astonished eye, I spied an ample space directly in front of the club. Plunking the requisite quarters into the meter, I already was radiating happiness as I went to the meeting, hosted by the Interagency Council on Aging.

Gesino, professor of social work at Southern Connecticut State University and coordinator of mental health services for Masonicare (weighty titles for his short, energetic frame), claims that despite being under stress, we can be happy, and if we practice being happy, stress will not be as overwhelming nor will it last as long.

One of the key ingredients is the psychology of possibility.

Patients who are told their cancer is “cured” live longer than those told their cancer is in “remission,” because one statement closes off the possibility of hope.

Other research has shown that for the same reason, 40 percent of the time, placebos work as well as some medications. While labels like Alzheimer’s, cancer and old age are necessary to organize our thoughts, trouble begins when they determine how we think.

We often pay more attention to negative feelings than to positive ones and forget to look for the small good, each and every day. Learning to choose to be happy requires as much intention and effort as losing weight, according to Gesino. Some of the work required:

-Practice gratitude and optimism every day. Make a daily list of things to be grateful for and try to look on the bright side of every situation.

-Avoid social comparisons. There will always be those who “seem” better off.

-Practice acts of kindness and be involved in social relationships. Studies show that volunteering is associated with diminished depression and increased self-worth.

-Develop coping strategies. An important one is “mindfulness” or living in the moment. Gratitude is not taking things for granted.

-Savoring, which is the deliberate attention to the experience of pleasure. Savor has a past, present and future because we can derive pleasure from past experiences and use them as reserves for a later resource.

-Find the humor in situations and laugh often. Laughter is contagious and signals understanding and shared pleasure. It is an instant vacation.

-Know what makes you happy. Be excited about what you do. Smile.

Gesino recommends the book “Authentic Happiness” by Martin Seligman. I also found “How We Choose to be Happy” by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks to have many good ideas.

On the way home that day, I had two interesting experiences. At Stop & Shop, on a long line, I offered to allow the lady in back of me who had only a few groceries, to go ahead of me. She thanked me profusely, which did indeed make me feel good.

As I was loading my heavy grocery bags and even heavier cat litter into the trunk of the car, a gentleman returning his shopping cart stopped and, unrequested, gave me a hand. Thanking him, I explained I had just done a favor for a woman in line and this must be my “repayment” and now something good would come to him in turn.

He smiled and said, “Well, it never hurts to have some good karma out there working for you.” I couldn’t think of a better phrase to sum up my thoughts about a key ingredient to being happy. Like the song says, “Make someone happy ... make just one person happy ... and you will be happy, too.”

I'm reading: Being happy takes a little practice, says one professor

Remembering the guys who gave us so much

We remember our mothers several times each year: Mother’s Day, of course, Easter, Valentine’s Day and on her birthday. Somehow, Dad is either forgotten or perhaps, just taken for granted. Then, suddenly it’s Father’s Day and what to buy for good old Dad to show that although most of the year he’s definitely in the background in the family order of things, you really do think he’s pretty terrific.

Would a new tie send the right message? While many men depend on the fair sex to select their ties, in many companies nowadays, open-necked shirts or even sports shirts are the uniform, so I think ties as a gift are definitely passé. As to cuff links, they are now only worn on the most formal of occasions and Dad already has plenty of key chains, wallets, cologne and travel alarm clocks. Socks and underwear ... now really ... for a gift?

Which leaves taking him to dinner or a show, tickets to his favorite sporting event or perhaps the latest electronic device (if you know his taste and Dad’s capabilities with doodads). Dads are notoriously difficult to buy for; maybe that’s why they remain quietly forgotten.

We are, after all, a nation of consumers and we celebrate all holidays and occasions by purchasing something, often for ourselves as well as the person or occasion being celebrated.

Additionally, fathers are no longer the undisputed head of the household. In the delightful play, “Life with Father” everything revolved around the father, Clarence Day, and any variance from his absolute word was done via good-natured ploys and schemes behind his back by the rest of the family.

In times past, father was the sole breadwinner and thus the sole authority. Women’s presence and success in the workforce has definitely shifted that balance of power. It is worth noting that our current and a recent president were both raised by single mothers. There is no question, however, that family stability and good family dynamics are greatly enhanced by the presence of a stable, caring father.

As an only child, I was included in the activities of grown-ups at a very young age. My father had only a few rules, but those were definite and inflexible. The most important life lesson he conveyed to me was to never judge a person by their wealth, education, color of their skin, religion or their sex.

He felt that as a girl or a woman, I could do anything. I recall how angry he became and how he risked his own job with the phone company by supporting the women who went on strike at the company because they were denied many of the positions reserved for “family men.”

So to you Dads who (despite this column) are gifted with an awful floral tie or cologne that smells like old rubber tires, or feel forgotten this Father’s Day, keep on with the difficult job of being a father.

Years later, things that you said, or most especially, things that you did, will bear fruit. I may have sometimes forgotten Dad on this, his day, but his influence which came from the kind of person he was, has remained with me, every day of my life.

I'm reading: Remembering the guys who gave us so much