Abuse comes in many forms, so be on the lookout and then get help

Would it surprise and shock you to learn that there are more than 4,000 known victims of domestic violence per year in our small state? And, incidents of domestic violence which involve acts of abuse against another person in order to gain power and control, is on the increase with victims of every age, race, gender, sexual orientation and economic status.

The encouraging news is that Connecticut has an extensive and varied system of prevention and help to combat this problem.

At a most-informative, three-hour workshop held recently at the Guilford Women and Family Life Center, I listened to several experts in the field. Local policemen and women who are trained to answer domestic violence calls and counselors at the Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, spoke about the complex process of recognizing and then helping, when domestic violence occurs.

While 85 percent of the domestic violence victims are women, no one deserves to be hit, beaten, threatened, humiliated or otherwise subjected to physical or emotional harm. Teen-agers who are inexperienced in handling relationships can be especially vulnerable as can elders who may be financially and physically dependent on caregivers. And because our culture is so couples oriented, many people would rather be in any relationship, than be alone.

Some warning signs demonstrated by abusive people:

-Destructive criticism. Verbal attacks such as name calling, yelling, mocking and swearing.

-Pressure Tactics. Rushing decisions, “guilt-tripping,” sulking, manipulating the children, withholding money.

-Disrespect and emotional withholding. Not listening and responding; giving the “silent treatment,” interrupting, putting the person down in front of others. Not expressing feelings, not giving compliments, support or attention.

-Abusing trust. Lying, withholding information, cheating or being overly jealous.

-Breaking promises. Refusing to help, maintaining economic control, interfering with or not allowing the other person to work, taking their money, car keys, etc.

-Self-destructive. Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm.

-Isolation. Preventing person from seeing friends or relatives, monitoring phone calls, telling you where you may or may not go.

-Harassment. Uninvited calls or visits, checking on you, embarrassing you in public.

-Neglect. Ignoring personal care and health needs. Withholding medicine, abandonment for extended periods.

-Minimizing, denying and blaming. Making light of their behavior, saying the abuse didn’t happen or saying you caused it.

Even if violence doesn’t happen often, it remains as a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Children who witness domestic violence in their home are at risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.

Unfortunately, although it may be hard for others to understand, victims of domestic violence often have great difficulty leaving the relationship with an average of leaving seven times before going for good.

They have also usually called the police or the local domestic violence agency on numerous occasions before taking action. Now, however, the laws have changed. Before 1986, the victim had to press charges.

A case in Torrington brought about an important change when, after constant cries for help, a wife had her throat slashed. Today, if a woman shows signs of physical abuse, the police must take immediate action; with family violence arrests getting the next scheduled court date, usually the following day. The police may also now set the conditions for the abusers release.

Employees of the local domestic violence agency play an important and difficult role; they are the only ones with whom a conversation may remain completely confidential. They try to help victims with safety issues — not who was right or wrong.

Many women regret it if a partner is arrested; they are ashamed in front of the neighbors, worried about payment of bills, child care and the effect on the children, and they only want their partner to get help. Others fear for their safety and need a place to stay. There are confidential emergency shelters where battered women and children may stay for up to 60 days.

Here in Connecticut, there is help whether the abused individual is a teenager in a bad relationship, a family in turmoil or an elderly person dependent on care from the abuser. The 24-hour hot line for Domestic Services of Greater New Haven is 203-789-8104. You may remain anonymous if you so desire and only speak to someone with whom you wish to have a helping conversation. The Elder Abuse Hotline is 1-800-677-1116, and the Elderly Protective Care Services number is 203-974-8027.

Sandra Koorejian, the director of Domestic Violence Services of Greater New Haven, says that everyone can help stop abuse by supporting prevention and education programs and speaking out against the violence in our advertising, music, television, Internet games and movies. All too often in our society, violence is seen as an acceptable way to solve problems.

Be sure to take the opportunity to see the movie, “Telling Amy’s Story,” a documentary about a domestic violence homicide — followed by a discussion with a panel of experts on Oct. 27 from 7-9 at the Guilford Free Library, 67 Park St., Guilford.

I'm reading: Abuse comes in many forms, so be on the lookout and then get help

STRIVE - New Haven has a most worthy job to do

Last week, this column attempted to give an overview of the current fall fashion scene ... or to my way of thinking, the fall fashion scream (as in you have to be kidding me!)

This week, I thought readers might like to know about a group of people rarely, if ever, written about by the fashion pundits: those individuals who want to find work, but lack the necessary skills and the appropriate clothes for job hunting and the interview.

An exceptional nonprofit group called STRIVE-New Haven, Inc. an affiliate of STRIVE-New York, with a network of 17 others, in cities here and overseas, is dedicated to helping these difficult-to-employ, men and women.

A free, three-week employability skills training workshop focuses on resume preparation, interview techniques and confidence building to prepare students to find and hold a job. Graduates of the program are entitled to lifetime job-placement assistance, Since its inception 10 years ago, more than 1,200 New Haven area residents have graduated with a 70 percent job retention rate after two years; representing money saved on food stamps, welfare and other entitlement programs.

The offices of STRIVE are also the home of the New Haven Career Gear, which provides men and women with the proper business attire. Their motto is, “A suit and a second chance.” The right clothes inspire confidence, and the staff will help job-seekers pick out a suitable outfit.

Originally, only men’s clothing was available, but graduates of the New Haven Leadership Center, a program developed by the New Haven Chamber of Commerce, helped to establish a women’s clothing bank.

Another source for women’s business clothing is the nonprofit Dress for Success with outlets in Hartford and Fairfield. This program offers women, often single mothers, job counseling as well as wardrobe and makeup advice. When a woman receives a job offer, she may choose five additional outfits to help her launch her new career.

STRIVE stands for Support and Training Results in Valuable Employees. Recently, STRIVE and the Veterans Administration have cooperated and designed a special course for out-of-work veterans who may be experiencing difficulty returning to civilian life. Listening to the touching testimonials on their Web site of former participants helped by STRIVE speaks volumes about the important work this small organization is accomplishing. They deserve our donations of money and clothes. Donations of clean business-appropriate attire in good condition may be dropped off at 746 Chapel St., Suite 301, in New Haven, or call 203-777-1720. And if, after giving away some clothes, you want to restock your wardrobe with stunning but sensible fashions while also donating to a good cause, the Madison Women’s Club is having a fashion show at the Pine Orchard Club on Oct. 17. Call Liz Duffy at 203-245-5715 for tickets or information.

I'm reading: STRIVE - New Haven has a most worthy job to do

Museum show brings thoughts of fall fashion

Fall officially began Thursday, and despite floods, famine, high unemployment and the loss of our A&P’s, women’s thoughts turn toward what’s new for fall in the world of fashion.

A few years ago, there was much talk and promises to use “normal weight” models because of the health risks many young girls were taking in trying to resemble the models they see on television and in magazines. Unfortunately, a normal weight is not even on the radar. The models are pre-adolescent nymphs with arms and legs so bony they look as though they have been living in Darfur.

Most designers seem to be getting their inspiration from out of the mainstream grunge street kids, rather than from well-known women of style.

Formerly, even if the rest of us could not afford the original, elegant clothes the socialites wore, such fashion did serve as a yardstick for good taste and we could look for inexpensive copies. Now, unwearable and ugly shoes are coupled with scrunched-up ankle socks, plaids compete with polka dots, harem pants topped by gauzy see-through blouses, and many skirts are so short they literally disappear when the wearer sits down.

And the men’s clothes are even worse! I’m tired of the Burberry ads featuring young, scowling toughs (and for women the model Kate Moss with her pouty, spaced-out look) and advertisements that employ words like “must haves” and “hot.”

If you would like to add some inexpensive touches to make your basic wardrobe look “this year,” I would suggest a white ruffled blouse, an asymetrical-styled sweater or jacket, and a faux shearling vest or bomber jacket.

Anything pleated or fringed is also shown by many designers, but when overdone, these can make the wearer resemble a walking lamp shade.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of viewing the exceptional Metropolitan Museum exhibit “American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity.” Utilizing continuous films on the exhibit walls and mannequins, the exhibit featured an extensive collection of fashions from the 1820s to the 1980s.

On display was Scarlett’s little velvet hat, worn when trying to charm Rhett Butler; the beautiful black and white ball gown that Annie Hearst wore to the London coronation ball; and Ava Gardner’s stunning ensemble from “The Barefoot Contessa.”

On view were kidskin boots from the 1960s that would be fashionable today, as well as sumptuous day suits and evening gowns made in Paris for women of elegance and wealth. The workmanship and the fabrics are absolutely breathtaking.

Another exhibit showed wool bloomer bathing suits and tightly laced corsets that surely must have been contributing factors to the women’s revolution. While this exhibit has closed, a smaller, but equally interesting exhibit, “Notorious and Notable: 20th Century Women of Style,” featuring their clothing and jewelry, has opened at the Museum of the City of New York (5th Avenue and 103rd Street) and will remain until Jan. 3.

There is no entrance fee for this museum, and if you are taking Metro-North into New York, get off at 125th Street. A $6 cab ride will put you at the museum’s front door, after which you can hop the 5th Avenue bus directly to the Metropolitan Museum, where there is always something worthwhile to see.

I'm reading: Museum show brings thoughts of fall fashion

Slow down a little and you’ll get somewhere

The Pennsylvania Dutch have a saying, “The hurryder I go, the behinder I get,” and today many of us are overwhelmed with things to do and it makes us feel tired, fatigued and stressed.

If we try to recall what we were so busy with last week, last month, or last year, we often can’t remember.

Christine Hohlbaum, the author of “The Power of Slow,” claims we can be more productive when we go slowly and learn to treat time as a friend, rather than a foe. She feels you can expand your experience of time itself simply through your mindset.

Time abundance, like time starvation, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, time is something we have designed so that we have some sort of order and sense to our lives; so we can all meet up at a designated place at the same moment.

Following are some of the author’s suggestions for gaining more time in your day:

‰Manage expectations: If you always feed back to the other person what you think you have heard, there will be fewer miss-understandings; saving lots of time up front because both sets of expectations are in alignment.

‰Set your priorities: Make a note of your top items to be done each day. This prevents them from simmering in your sub-conscious and causing stress. Check them off as they are completed so you will have a visual for all you have accomplished at the end of the day.

‰Exercise: Take a twenty minute mid-day walk to get a break and a new perspective.

Movement will increase the oxygen level in your blood, which helps you think more clearly. Exercise can also help you to sustain your energy level later in the day.

‰Get enough rest: Going to bed an hour later does not expand your day. Although individuals’ sleep needs vary, you should know what amount you require to be at your best and stick to it. Irregular sleeping patterns can stress out your system as much as irregular eating habits.

‰Stop multi-tasking: The brain can’t concentrate on two or more difficult things at once.

‰Unplug: Go off line or off cell for a few days. (I have some young friends who would rather hang by their thumbs than try this).

‰Be present in the here and now: Now is all there really is.

I do think Mrs. Hohlbaum has some good pointers but before ending this column, there are a few others I would add to her list:

1. Learn to say “no” to others and to tasks that are either beyond your capacity to accomplish or that you truly dislike doing.

2. Organize your things and your time. I am not a “naturally” neat person, but I make a big effort to put things back in their place so I don’t waste time looking for them. I also try to get rid of things I no longer need or use.

As for time, I watch very little television and strictly watch how long I am at the computer; these two activities can be time stealers.

3. Remain positive and grateful for all that is good in your life. When we allow negative or “poor me” thoughts to dominate, they drain our energy and cause stress.

Over my desk, I also have a framed, sort of modernistic sketch of a girl with a balloon. Underneath the sketch, and the reason I purchased it many years ago, are the following words: “Everything changed the day she found out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.”

I'm reading: Slow down a little and you’ll get somewhere