If you think you have had some stressful life changes, just imagine what 4 million senior Americans who are grandparents, have experienced since assuming the awesome responsibility of raising their grandchildren. While it can be an opportunity for personal fulfillment, satisfaction and a second shot at parenthood, it has also split up longtime marriages and caused untold financial and emotional stress for many couples.
I recently had an opportunity to learn about some of the unique problems facing these special grandparents when I attended a Thank God for Grandparents celebratory dinner at St. Thomas’s Episcopal Church in New Haven.
Hosted by the New Haven Consultation Center which offers a grandparents support group, I sat with Herman and Dorothea Badger (who were celebrating their 49th wedding anniversary) and Stephen and Mattie Alston. I also met impish, bright-eyed Michael Badger, age 11, and cutie-pie, Jasmine Alston, age 9, as well as a grandmother who was raising four children.
Despite the financial and physical hardships that accompany the responsibility of taking on the legal guardianship of their grandchildren, most felt they had no choice. “They are my family,” said one. “How could I just turn them over to the state?” While the problem affects all ethnic groups and income levels, many children come into their grandparents care because the parents were divorced, neglectful, suffered domestic violence or mental illness, or became drug addicts or alcoholics.
In some cases, relieved of their parenting duties, these troubled parents were able to start to put their own lives in order. For the care-giving grandparents, however, it has meant going back to work after retirement to pay for child-rearing costs or changing their work patterns to fewer hours so they could spend more time with the children.
I was surprised to learn that once they legally adopt their grandchildren, they are not entitled to any financial aid; yet many are struggling to make ends meet.
Stephen Alston said he no longer has the energy he had when raising his son, and Dorothea Badger felt she doesn’t have as much patience as she did when she was younger. They both agreed that the general permissiveness of today’s society, made child-rearing even more difficult.
One grandmother said, “When we were young, we had to be home by midnight. Now they go out at midnight and call you at 3 a.m. to be picked up.” Adding to the difficulty of being a loving disciplinarian is the fact that the children sometimes visit their parents who, to assuage their own guilt or to win favor with their children, coddle and spoil them. Grandparents also feel society’s stigma of being so much older than the parents of their children’s friends.
Support groups such as the one run by the Consultation Center, give grandparents a shared sense of belonging and a place to air their concerns and problems. (For more information, you can reach the New Haven Consultation Center at 203-789-7645. For a list of grandparent support groups in Connecticut, Google the National Center on Grandparents and scroll down to programs by state.) The National Center on Grandparents Web site also listed six strategies for relieving “grandparent stress,” but I think they are good advice for everyone:
- Write down what is causing you stress; then write down the possible solutions. Keep a gratitude journal. Daily gratitude reminders keep you focused on what is good.
- Eat right and exercise. Food we eat has a profound effect on our attitude and well being. Exercise helps to reduce stress hormones in your body.
- Laugh. Enjoy the special moments with your grandchildren. Playing games, baking cookies or watching a funny movie together will help build that special bond.
- Inner peace can be found through meditation, faith and spirituality.
- Environment. Additional family members in your home can lead to clutter and limited space. Making room for grandchildren so they have a place for their personal possessions will help you feel more relaxed. You may want to make more room by getting rid of unnecessary things.
- Family and friends are important to both you and your grandchildren’s well being and are a source of comfort during stressful times.
If you have a neighbor who is raising a grandchild, lend a helping hand or offer to be there when they are called away. These grandparents are sacrificing so much and they deserve our help and support.
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